Origins[]
Story Form[]
Once upon a time there was a boy named Mark Jackson who lived in the western part of Albuquerque, New Mexico. He was a very smart boy indeed, and spent much of his time studying instead of playing sports outside like the other kids. However, one day, a team of gangsters who opposed education walked up to Mark, who was doing calculus out on the playground. They started messing around with his books and stuff and breaking them. Mark didn't like this and told them to back off before it got ugly. From that, an intense fight sprung up. Jack's mom soon found out about this and was worried about the well-being of her son. She then found out of a movie about Bel-Air that was being filmed in Bel-Air itself, and they needed a bright young boy for the main role. Mom decided that she'd send Mark to audition. But no matter what Mark did, Mom would not change her mind. Mark soon finds out the luxury of Bel-Air, but also the misfortunes. So he decides to spread the magic of education throughout the rich city.
Song Form[]
Now this is a story all about how my life got twisted, turned upside down. And I'll like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how I came to star in a movie 'bout Bel-Air.
In West Albuquerque-a, born and raised. In the study hall is where I'm spending most of my days. Calculatin', studyin', and learning all cool. And I'm doing some calculus outside of school. When a couple of guys, who were more than they should, starting breaking all my education goods. I got in one little fight and Mama got scared. She said "You're gonna star in a movie about the city of Bel-Air!"
I begged and pleaded with her, day after day. But she gave me my suitcase and sent me on my way. She gave me a kiss and then she gave me my ticket. I put my suspenders on, I said "Might as well KICK it!"
First class, this ain't half bad. Drinking orange juice out of a champagne glass. Is this what the people of Bel-Air living like? Hmm.. this might be all right.
But wait, I hear that they're prissy, bourgeoisie, and all that. Is that really the place where they should send this smart cat? But I hear they're in need of some good education.So here comes this brilliant boy on vacation.
Well the plane landed and when I came out there were a bunch of homeless folks who were hanging all about. This is really disgusting after all I just got here. I sprang with the quickness like lightning, disappeared.
I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said "NERRD" and it had pi in the mirror. If anything I can say that this cab was rare, but I thought "Aw, forget it. Hey sir, to Bel-Air!"
I pulled up to the set about 7 or 8. And I yelled to the cabbie "Hey sir, see ya later!" I looked at the studio, I was finally there - to star in a movie 'bout the city of Bel-Air.
A Taste of Fame[]
The cab dropped me off at the door of the Random Kid Movie Studio. I walked inside and got a taste of fame. There were a couple of guys in front of a green screen. And they were being yelled at by a fat, bald guy known as the Director. "That stunk! Do that scene again!", the fat, bald guy known as the Director commanded. "But it's the longest scene in the movie", the actor complained. "Shut it, and act, boy! Or else you're gonna be fired like a grill", the Director threatened. "Why are you bringing up grills? Are you hungry or something? I can understand why with a stomach that big", the other actor said. "Watch it, you son --." It was then that the Director saw me looking straight at him. "Are you eyeballin' me, boy?', the Director asked. I stood there and didn't say a thing. "Well, don't just stand there like a darn fool. Say something!", the Director commanded. "I-I'm here to audition for the lead role in the Bel-Air film", I squeaked. "Ya say? Well, go on! I ain't got all day", the Director commanded. I walked up to the two actors with a script in my hand. "Ahem. 'Hello hello fellow viewers. I welcome you to the Bel-Air film ---" "CUT!", the Director yelled out of nowhere. "That was horrible! What's wrong with you?! You're FIRED!" "I don't work here", I pointed out. "OK then. You're hired. Now you're fired. Get out!!!", the director yelled. "But sir, I've nowhere to go", I lamented. "Gee, you're acting like that's my problem. I don't give a dang! Beat it!", the director yelled, oh so harshly. So I was cast into the cold, cold night. Nowhere to go. Nothing to do. I had just gotten a taste of fame. And it tasted nasty...
The Part[]
That director. He's a fool's all. I only said a few words and he cast me out into the cold, cold night. I hope something bad happens to him. Just then, a girlish scream was heard from inside the Studio. I rushed to the window. Apparently, that scream had come from the Director. He had received a notice stating that he had to find a kid to play the lead role in the Bel-Air film by tomorrow or else the movie would never be. This was my chance. I ran back inside the Studio and stood in front of that fat Director. He was still looking at the notice, and didn't even hear me calling his name. "Mr. Director", I called. "Mr. Director!" I said loudly. "YO FATTY!!!!", I yelled. That got his attention. "Who the heck was that? Was it YOU, little freak?", he asked pointing at me. "Yes. Yes it was. And if I'm a freak, then your wife's an ogre is all", I said. "Gasp! You take that back, you fiend!", the Director said. "I'll take it back when you lose weight!", I retorted. "Security!", the Director called. As I was being dragged out, I stated "It's your loss, Fatty. After all, you're losing the star of the Bel-Air film." That statement made the Director think. "Security, drop him." I was released. "I need a star by tomorrow or else the project is kaput. I don't want to cast you... but I've no choice." This is the part I was waiting for. "Random boy... will you... st-st... I can't say it... st... st-st-st... gak... STAR... in the moo-moo... move..." "Yes?" "...move... move... eee... movie. Will you star in the movie?" "Hmm..." Sweat was running down the Director's face. "Nah." The director had a heart attack.
He woke up from his coma a few hours later. "Uhhh...", he groaned. "Hey Directa, I'll be yer star under one condition", I said. "What?", the Director asked. "You let me make fun of you during rehearsals." "WHAT?! WHY YOU CONNIVING LITTLE MOTHER ---." "I guess the script can be tossed in the vault", I said. The director sighed. "Fine." And that's how I got the part. You know, I can be a very successful businessman when I grow up.
Rehearsals[]
The next day I showed up at the studio, ready to rehearse some. I doubted anyone was there yet though, it was 6:00AM. Maybe I could sneak a danish... I went in and saw the entire cast looking at me. "Well... what took ya so long, boy?!", the Director asked. "Well, I---" "Don't cha know filming always starts at 3 AM?" "3 AM?! How can you sleep?" "You don't. You can sleep when the film's a box-office success." "But --." "Enough chit chatter. Get acting or you're fired!" I took a script and went to the stage. I stood there for a few minutes. "What are you wanting for, kid? Haven't you ever been in an actin' studio before?", the Director asked. "No. No, I haven't", I replied. "You've nev -- Aak! Get this kid out of my sight!", the Director commanded. "But I'm the only star you've got. You'll be let without a star and the film will be... "..kaput. I know. Just.. go eat some pie! Take 5 folks. I need to relax", the Director said. I jumped off the stage. Some random guy walked up to me. "Hey kid. By the rate we're going, the movie will be done by the end of the world", the person said. "End of the world? Say, there's a story about that on the Stories and Info Wiki", I said. Click here for said story. "Yes, I'm sure there is. But seriously, haven't you ever seen any filming documentaries?", the person asked. "Nope", I replied. "Ever been to any acting classes?", the person asked. "Nope", I replied. "Have you been anywhere?!", the person asked. "I've been to school but that's pretty darn boring", I replied. "Then maybe you need some 'Acting 101.' Here's my card. Come to my house later and I'll give you a lesson", the person said. "We're on in 10! Kid, get on the set", the Director commanded. "Director, can I rehearse my part? This kid don't know the first thing about theater", the person suggested. "Fine. But it's coming out of your paycheck". the Director says. "I'm here voluntarily, sir", the person said. "What?! Has the world gone mad?!", the Director asked. "Well you must of gone mad when you ate all that food", the person joked. "What's with all the 'fat' jokes? Why don't we make fun of thin people?", the Director asked. "What's to make of?", the Director asked. "Well... we could call them a walking stick", the Director suggested. "That was the worst insult I've ever heard. Just shut it Baldy, and let's get to work. We're already behind schedule", the person said, telling it like it is. The rest of the day I sat beside the Director, with cute teenage girls doing my hair and stuff. I could get used to this.
Acting 101[]
After rehearsals, I went back to the apartment that the Director had rented for me. I sat down on the couch, all tired - even though I did nothing all day. I decided to have a kid's night in. I called the pizza place, the Chinese food place, the fried chicken place, and took out an old popcorn maker. I filled it up to the brim with kernels and turned it on. Popcorn shot all over the place. I was attacked by popcorn and fell on the ground unconscious.
The sound of doorbells woke me up. The kitchen was filled to the ceiling with popcorn. I managed to get out of the rubble and over to the door. A guy from the pizza place with a pizza, a guy from the Chinese food place with a tray of Chinese food, and a guy from the fried chicken place with a bucket of fried chicken were on the front porch. I paid them, took the food, and shut the door in their faces. I filled about 12 bags with popcorn and walked to my vibrating chair. In front of me was a 100-inch plasma TV with stereo and Blu-Ray player. I put in an old Disney movie, sat down with my pizza, Chinese food, fried chicken, and popcorn, and had the night of my life.
I woke the next morning I woke up with half-eaten slices of pizza, gravy, and chicken bones scattered on the floor. My eyes hurt - I guess I had the stereo too loud last night. It was then that I remembered: I had forgotten to go to the person's house last night! I quickly rushed over to the studio, I was even later than yesterday. I barged in through the door. The Director looked at me. "Why ya so late, ya ---." The Director stared at me. "What?", I asked. "Tell me WHY you are in the studio in your UNDERWEAR!?", the Director shouted. It was true. I was in such a hurry that I forgot to dress myself and now I was wearing nothing but underpants in the middle of a movie studio. "He has drool marks all over his face", some random lady said. "And he forgot to come to my lessons last night", the person said. "But The Person, I tried --", I started. "No. You upstaged me. I reach out my hand and you push it away. I thought you were my friend... I thought you cared about me... But you didn't..." And the person started crying. "I'll get you, Mark!.. (sniff)... I'll get you if it's the LAST THING I DO!", he yelled and ran out the door. I had a bad feeling about this. "Well, The Person's gone coo-coo. Who's gonna take his place in the movie?", the Director asked. Some random guy shot up his hand and said "Me!' "OK fine. You get the part", the Director said, "We'll start soon. But kid... put some clothes on. It's disturbing." Suddenly, a paparazzi jumped in through the window and took a photo of me. "This one's going in the tabloids!", she said and jumped out the window. "Darn you paparazzi!", the Director said, shaking his fist.
The Person Gets Me![]
As I was walking home from the studio I saw the magazine People and the headline on the front page read "BEL-AIR FILM CHILD STAR STANDS IN THE NUDE!" And there was a photo of me naked with a thick black bar covering where my underwear was. I guess that shows how fast news travels around here. Here's a headline for them: "TABLOIDS ARE FULL OF LIES! I HATE THEM!"
I continued walking home, thinking of the tabloid's foolish lies. And how people actually believe them. These folks could use a lesson on truth and lies. Then it hit me. Lesson. Learning, Smarts. There were a whole bunch of homeless freaks hanging by the streets with empty cups. They probably didn't know a thing. They needed a good education. And I, the smart boy himself, could provide it. Now I knew what I wanted to do: I was gonna become a kid teacher for those unlikely people.
I needed some sort of advertisement. So I took a piece of paper and drew a picture of a kid teaching an old man with a beard. Above this were in bold letters: "NEED A GOOD EDUCATION SO MUCH YOU'RE WILLING TO BE TAUGHT BY A DOG? DON'T WORRY. COME TO THE KID TEACHER FOR SOME GOOD LEARN-ATION! LOCATED AT 135 SMOREBUFF ROAD, ROOM #12". The address lead to my room in the apartment. I scanned the paper and saved it on my USB. I took it over to the library to print out a few copies in waterproof ink. The librarian asked, "Aren't you that kid who was naked in a movie studio?" I replied, "No. No, I'm not. 'Cause tabloids are fools, is all. With their lies and their whatnot." The librarian said, "OK. But you still look an awful lot like him", and she printed me a few hundred copies.
I dropped a paper in each person's mailbox in the city. It was a pretty big city - so I used up all my copies. I walked back to the apartment. My room didn't even look like a classroom. I was gonna have to get a chalkboard and a computer, but I decided to hold it off 'till tomorrow. I took a little nap and when I woke up, the window was opened. I went to open it, but saw a shadow emerging from behind me. When I turned around, I saw The Person with a machine gun.
An Intense and Critical Battle Between Mark and the Person![]
"The Person, what are you doing? Why do you have a gun? What's going on here?", I asked. "You betrayed me. Now I'm simply returning the favor. By killing you! Unless you bow down to me and obey my every whim", the Person threatened. "I'll do nothing of the sort! This is a free country! A free country where heroes like me can stop villains like you!", I shouted.
"Fine then... and DIE!", the Person yelled, rapidly shooting. "Dwaah!", I yelled as I ducked on the floor. I jumped out from behind him and whacked his head! He turned around and I knocked the gun out of his hand and kicked him upside his head! The Person crashed through the window and fell on the concrete below as glass fell around him. "Yes!", I cheered victoriously. However, it was not over yet! The Person tossed a grenade inside the window. I caught it and tossed it back outside. I dashed out of the room and into the nearest elevator! I ended up in the lobby and ran out the revolving doors. The second I stepped foot outside, the apartment EXPLODED behind me! I fell on the ground as fire flew through the air! Suddenly, the Person came flying out of nowhere on a vine and grabbed me by my neck!
He threw me at the construction site - similar to the one in Spider-Man 3. He threw at one of the metal bars. CLANG! I fell on the floor. The Person's hand start glowing and he tossed an orb of dark magic at me! I caught and tossed it back at him! It hit him in the face and he crashed into one of the metal bars! BASH! The construction site fell apart! Me and the Person fell through the air! The Person shot a ray of dark magic at me, rendering me paralyzed! He pounced on me and punched him me in the kisser! Blood shot of my mouth! We hit the ground with a tremendous CRASH! An uproar shook the city! It was all over! The Person took out a knife and aimed it at me! When I thought my life was ended, some random guy came out of ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE and yelled "Cut!'
Me and the Person looked at where this sound came from. 'Twas from the Director who was sitting in a chair with a bunch of cameramen. "Wow. You guys must take acting seriously. You went through all that trouble to create an action scene in the movie", the Director said. I was dumbfounded. That guy thought this was fake, when it was indeed a fight to the death! I wasn't about to set the record straight here, so I said, "Yeah. I mean, look at them special effects." The Person played along and said, "Yep. Pretty cool, don't cha think?" "Guess it is. But we have to keep the film rated G, so we can't use too much violence", the Director explained. "Then how else are we supposed to settle our anger?", I asked. "Easy....."
The Dance-Off[]
"... have a dance-off", the Director said as we randomly appeared back in the studio. "A dance-off? You gotta be kidding me", I said, disgusted. "You have to do it, or you're fired!", the Director commanded. "I won't have a problem with it. At least I can dance", the Person taunted. This fool wanted to start a competition. No big, I had a back-up plan. I called my friend Jackie and told him to bring a few squirrels. I can dance pretty good when I have squirrels in my pants. The Director asked "Who wants to go first?" I shot up my hand, quick as a flash. "'K, Mark. You go", the Director said. The Person scoffed at that. Jackie showed up with a couple of squirrels and a bucket of nuts. He dumped the nuts in my pants. When the squirrels smelled this, they went into my pants. I was in agonizing pain! "AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!", I yelled.
Jackie: Now somebody, anybody, everybody scream!
Me: AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!! There are squirrels in my pants!
Jackie: That guy's got some serious squirrels in his pants.
Me: There are squirrels in my pants!
Jackie: Tell me what's making you jump like that!
Background singers: S.I.M.P. Squirrels in my pants!
Jackie: Ain't got no chickens. Ain't got no rats.
Background singers: S.I.M.P.
Me: Squirrels in my pants!
Jackie: S to the I to the M to the P. Then maybe you can be moving like me. Step right over and watch me put it down!
Me: Squirrels!
Background singers: ...to the P!
Jackie: Step right over and watch me put it!
Background singers: S to the I to the M to the P!
Jackie: Who ya got back home waterin' your plants?
Background singers: S.I.M.P. Squirrels in my pants.
Jackie: How can I qualify for government grants?
Background singers: S.I.M.P. Squirrels in...
Jackie: Yeah... Hypnotize me, put me in a trance.
Background singers: S.I.M.P. Squirrels in my pants.
Jackie: Got an Aunt Florence livin' in France!
Background singers: She can't see the ---!
Me: Squirrels in my pants!
Jackie: Step right over and watch me put it down!
Me: Squirrels! Squirrels!
Background singers: ...to the P!
Jackie: Step right over and watch me put it!
Background singers: S to the I to the M to the P!
Jackie: If ya wanna know how I'm doin' this dance...
Background singers: S.I.M.P. Squirrels in my pants.
Jackie: Got somethin' in my trousers, you know it ain't ants!
Background singers: S.I.M.P. Squirrels...
Jackie: Yeah... Proletariat, bourgeoisie!
Jackie & Background singers: Baby, you don't need an academic degree!
Jackie: Everybody smellin' my potpurri!
Background singers: S to the I to the M to the P!
Jackie: Step right over and watch me put down.
Me: Squirrels!
Background singers: ...to the P!
Jackie: Step right over and watch me put it, down... down.... on the ground... 'Cause you know I got it goin' on! S to the I to the M to the P!
Background singers: (S...) S to the I to the M to the P!
Jackie: (I...) If your pockets are empty, get a cash advance!
Me: (M...) Squirrels! Squirrels!
Background singers: ...to the P!
Jackie: (P...) If ya losin' your hair, get yourself implants! (S...) If ya wrestlin' a bear, then you ain't got a chance! (I...) Old uncle Freddy just rages and rants!
Jackie & Background singers: (M...) Ain't about love! Ain't about romance! I got SQUIRRELS IN MY PANTS!
Afterword, I did the Soulja Boy. "Soulja Boy up in there, oh! Watch me crank that, watch me roll!", I sang. Then I did the Jerk. "Teach me how to jerk. Teach me-teach me how to jerk", I sang. Then I sang Billie Jean. "Billie Jean is not my lover. She's just a girl who claims that I am the one. But the kid is not my son!" Then I did the moonwalk perfectly, spun around, and stood on my toes just like Michael Jackson. Then I said in the Person's face - and I didn't care if I spit - "That's how we do things in my crib!" Everyone cheered. "Oh my gosh!", the Director said with tears streaking down his face. "What wonderful acting!" Then he turned back into a bald, grumpy, fat guy. "So The Person, what YOU gonna do?", the Director asked. Everyone stared at the Person. "...Well, I was gonna do the worm, but I obviously got upstaged by Mark. So I guess I lose", the Person lamented. We all - except for the Person cheered.
Aftermath[]
So the movie turned from a Bel-Air documentary, to a movie of intense battles and dance-offs. It was released in theaters, rated G, and it was instantly a box office hit! Soon enough, the Director decided to make a sequel. I wasn't gonna be in it though. I had stuff to do. I set up the classroom in my apartment, and before I knew it, 20 people were lined up at my door. I liked this. But one day, I received the dreaded phone call! It was Mom, calling to congratulate me on the film and saying I could come home. I replied and I quote:
"Shut cho fat mouth, Mama! You're as fat as a spittin' llama! I hate your face, but I like this place! You can stay alone and I'll throw you a bone. You can get eaten by a bear, but I'm staying right there!" And that's the story of a boy in Bel-Air.