Braig Gregor is just a normal kid trying to find his place in this world. However, what with being exciled from school, to being smacked over the head with a magazine by his Dad for listening to "today's music", he's never truly successful. Here is his story:
The Morning[]
7:00 AM -
Clock: RRRRRIIIIIIINNNNNGGGG!!!!
Braig: Shut it, ya foolish clock! (smashes clock) Whew, one less pest I have to deal with. Time to get up. (walks to bathroom) (squirts toothpaste onto toothbrush) (brushes teeth) Slock glock glock. Bwushing my tweeth. Cack! Ptooey! Glub glub glub. Ptooey! (walks over to room) (opens closet door) Let's see. What should I wear to impress the ladies? Oh, this looks nice. (dresses himself) (walks downstairs) Yo Mom, yo Dad. Whatcha cookin', Momster?
Mom: Oh just some pancakes.
Braig: Pancakes, eh? Fine, plop some on my plate.
Mom: What do you mean "plop some on your plate"? Even if you didn't want it, you'd still have to eat it.
Braig: Ha! As if. If I didn't want to eat those pancakes, I wouldn't eat those pancakes and no one would make me!
Mom: Oh yes you will! I am your mother and you will listen to me!
Braig: What?! This is a free country! Who died and made you President?
Mom: Sit down and eat your pancakes!
Braig: I don't eat anything unless I feel like it. How ya like dat, Muddah?
Mom: Boy, you better sit down and eat 'cho breakfast before I give you a good slap in the face!
Braig: Gimme yer best shot, y'old lady.
Mom: (swings at Braig)
Braig: Whoa! This mama's wilin'! (runs out door)
Mom: And don't come back, 'less you have a taste for cold steel!
School[]
8:30 AM -
Braig: (running out door of house) Geez, what's wrong with her? I just didn't want those pancakes, is all.
The school bus drives on by.
Braig: Hey! You stupid bus driver, wait for me! (chases bus)
Bus Driver: (looks out window and sees Braig running towards bus) Hmm... should I stop for him? Nah. (makes bus go faster)
Braig: (notices that Bus Driver has made bus go faster on purpose) Hey! Get back here ya fool! (trips on branch and lands face first into a puddle of mud) Blech! Nasty!
Braig walks into his homeroom, all covered with debris and whatnot.
Teacher: Braig Gregor! What the heck happened to you?!
Braig: That stupid bus driver wouldn't wait for me and I ended up falling in a puddle of mud. What's more to say?
Teacher: Braig, it's not nice to insult faculty members.
Braig: But he IS stupid. He saw me and put the petal to the medal. School and all who work in it is STUPID!
Teacher: Braig, are you saying that being a teacher is stupid?
Braig: Yes! And teachers are stupid too!
Teacher: I am not stupid!
Braig: Yes you are! If you're not, why do you need that book with all the answers?
Braig lands a month of detention.
Braig: (sigh) I'm just a young boy trying to find his way in this dog-eat-dog world.
Bully: Shut up ya ugly nerd.
Braig: I'm no nerd!
Bully: You wanna fight?
Braig: Bring it, Big Boy! (punches Bully)
Bully: (kicks Braig upside his head)
Braig: (picks up chair) Eat this, Bull-ay!
Teacher: Braig Gregor!
Braig: Oh gosh.
Braig is suspended.
After School[]
3:00 PM -
Braig: How can I get suspended?
Girl: (walks up to Braig) Don't worry Braigory, I believe you're innocient.
Braig: Really?
Girl: AS IF! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Bully: (walks up to Girl) Hey baby. Yo Dunderhead, this is my girlfriend. Well see ya, since you got suspended and I didn't.
Braig: That's injustice! I deserve a fair trial!
Bully: Yeah. At the Dorky Supreme Court! Ah ha ha ha!
Girl: Ah ha ha ha!
Bully and Girl walk off.
Braig: Grrrrr......
Home[]
3:30 PM -
Braig: (walks into his house to see Mom & Dad glaring at him) What?
Mom: "What". Do you hear this, Harold? "What." You know very well "what." You insulted a teacher, threatened to bash an innocient child over the head with a folding chair, and got yourself suspended. That's "what."
Braig: I was only speaking the truth! And besides that kid was askin' for it. He wanted to ---.
Mom: Shush. I don't want to see you, I don't want to know you. Just get out of my sight, Mr. Braig.
Braig: But Mom I'm telling you ---.
Mom: GET THE HECK AWAY FROM ME!
Braig: OK fine. I didn't want to see your face either. And for the record, your pancakes stink.
Mom: (reaches for shotgun)
Braig: Oh Crat! (runs upstairs)
Mom: (chases Braig and shoots rapidly) Get back here, ya devil!
BraIg: Me? A devil? Have you looked in the mirror lately or did it break? And some seconds ago, you wanted me to get away from you and now you want me to get back here? Make up your mind!
Mom: Eat lead! (shoots at Braig's head)
Braig: Whoa! (ducks bullets) I gotta get outta here! (runs to room and locks door)
Mom: And stay in there! (marches downstairs)
Braig: Whew... (turns on TV) Ooh, Eiffel 65.
TV: Yo listen up. Here's a story about a little boy who lives in a blue world and all day and all night and everything he sees is blue like him ----
Dad: (barges in out of nowhere) What junk are you listening to?!
Braig: It's "I'm Blue" by the band --.
Dad: (turns off TV)
Braig: Hey, you can't do that!
Dad: Yes I can, I'm your father! You have to listen to me!
Braig: Shut up, Fatty, and give me my remote!
Dad: (grabs 120-page magazine and slaps Braig all over the face with it)
Braig: Daak! (falls on the ground, severe paper cuts covering his face) You - you - you freak!
Dad: (kicks Braig) Umph! Take that, ya disrespectful jerk! (takes Braig's wallet) Bwah ha ha! (runs out door)
Braig: (still on the floor, takes remote and turns on the TV)
TV: I'm blue da ba dee da ba die da ba dee da ba die da be dee da ba dieeeee....
Dinner[]
6:00 PM -
Braig walks down stairs cautiously and slips over to dinner table where Mom & Dad are sitting.
Braig: OK Momster, what grub ya got today?
Mom: (looks at Braig intently)
Braig: What? (sniffs armpit) I got a zit?
Mom: (shakes head)
Braig: Then what is it?
Mom: (sits there not doing anything and not blinking or breathing)
Braig: Mom, are you OK?
Mom: (monotone voice) I am OK... (lifts shotgun out from underneath table slowly)... But are you?
Braig: Yeah Mom. I'm fine. Do you have any food? Mac and cheese? Asparagus? Anything?!
Mom: (aims shotgun at Braig)
Braig: Mom. Mom. Mom! Let's not be too hasty! Wa-wa-we're all related here!
Mom: I've always hated you, Braig. And now I'll finally get the chance to eliminate you. (puts finger near trigger) Good-bye, Braig. (pulls trigger)
Braig: (jumps off chair and into air) (lands on ground and hides behind couch)
Mom: (shoots at couch) Fight like a man, Braig!
Braig: (jumps out from behind couch with chainsaw) How's this fer ya, Mama?! (slices Mom's gun in half)
Mom: Daaaah!
Dad: Retreat! (takes out machine gun and blasts hole in roof)
A helicopter comes and releases a rope through the hole for Mom & Dad to escape.
Mom: See ya, sucker! (climbs rope into helicopter)
Dad: Ha ha ha! (climbs rope into helicopter)
The helicopter rides off, leaving Braig alone in a house full of debris.
Epilogue[]
6:10 PM -
Braig: (picks up phone and calls police) Hello police. Yep, this is Braig. Yes my foster parents left. I don't know why, I drive every one of my parents crazy. Well, tomorrow it's back to the orphanage for me. (hangs up phone) (looks up at ceiling) Whew, someone has to fix that. Not me though, Dad stole my wallet.
Now as you can plainly see, this is what happens everyday in the life of Braig Gregor:
- Braig is dumped off at the home of his new foster parents.
- Braig has an argument with his mother over breakfast.
- Braig misses the bus.
- Braig insults the teacher (and gets detention).
- Braig gets into a fight during detention (and is suspended).
- Braig gets into a gun fight with his foster mom.
- Braig is slapped silly by his foster dad for listening to music.
- Braig battles his parents, who escape after being defeated.
- Braig calls the orphanage, and is brought back there.
- The whole cycle begins again.
If there are any foster children out there who think you've got it bad, think again.
Definitions:
foster: Like being adopted as a baby, except it is when you are older.