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Adults get all the good stuff. Driving, voting, and whatnot! It's unfair! So kids will show the adults what they've got in this story, where a random kid becomes President of the United States of America!
The Public Message (Not Part of the Story)
Over the past few weeks, a few fools came onto the website and think they can do whatever they want. They later get blocked for their tomfoolery! See, these freaks can't follow the rules. Why are the rules there? To be followed! Not just to look pretty! So don't be a freak and please listen to the rules. I'm not some mean, lame guy. I'm just merely tellin' you, read the rules! The fate of the world is in your hands!
Now on with the story:
It's me, Jack Munson. I'm just a junior high kid trying to get good grades so I can pass on by to the next grade. My best friends are Mike (the cool kid) and Simon (the smart kid). I have a crush on Chelsea Alexia, the most popular girl in the middle school. However, I never knew I'd be President of the United States and have the fate of the universe thrust into my hand! This is my story:
It was a normal day. May 28, I believe. I was walking to my first class when Simon came running out of nowhere and crashed into a locker! I rushed to his side as blood dripped from his nose. "Simon, what the heck happened?! Did the bullies beat you up for not doing their homework?", I asked. "No. For the first time in my entire life... I.. I.. oh!", Simon said as he fainted. "Simon! Wake up, you fool!", I yelled as I frantically shook him. Right then, the Principal walked up to us and saw me shaking Simon. "What's going on here?", she asked. I looked from Simon's dead face into the Principal's angry face. "Uh..", I stammared. "He.. tripped and... now I--", I lied. "Come to my office", the Principal said.
I followed the Principal to her office as a custodian carried unconscious Simon behind me. I found myself sitting in a chair, staring into the Principal's cold, unforgiving eyes. "What happened?", she simply asked. "I don't know. Simon just came running up and--", I started. "You know what happened, Jack. Tell me... NOW!", the Principal commanded. I didn't know who this Principal thought she was so I didn't say a thing. "Well? Speak you idiot!", the Principal yelled. Nothing. The Principal pulled out a shotgun on me! "Talk you freak!", she shouted. I ran out the door and busted into the hallway where I bumped into the Vice Principal. "Where's the fire?", he asked. The Principal came out of nowhere and rapidly shot! I made a mad dash for the outside!
I found myself running alongside Chelsea. It was the last time I should ever flirt, but I couldn't help myself. "Hello Sweetcheeks", I said with a smile. "We're being chased by a deranged Principal with a shotgun and you have the audacity to flirt with me", she said as she slapped me dead in my face. "Hey! You don't tell me what to do. Who died and made you king?", I asked. "We live in a democracy!", she shouted back at me. "Well, who died and made you President?!", I asked. Suddenly, the ceiling started to fall apart. That didn't stop our agrument though. "I can't be President, I'm too young!", Chelsea said. "Says who?", I asked. "The Constitution!", she shouted back. "That stinks. I bet you'd be a great President", I said, trying to turn this dispute around. She smiled at me. Then we crashed through the doors and landed on the playground as the school collapsed behind us!
It turns out we were the last ones to get out of the school. Everyone else had already escaped and the Principal was arrested. "Oh and by the way.. it's 'Who died and made you queen'", Chelsea corrected. She walked away, leaving me dumbfounded. Not because of her beauty, but because of the whole "president" thing.
I walked home from school to my house at 12:00. My parents were surprised to see me home early. "Why are you home early?", Mom asked. "You got suspended, didn't ya?!", Dad yelled as he pounced on me and held a knife to my neck! "Well? Talk!", Dad yelled. "I wasn't suspended", I said, gasping for breath. "Oh good", Dad said as he helped me up and brushed the dust off me. "Then what happened?", Mom asked. "Turn to channel 7", I said. Mom changed the channel on the kitchen TV from whatever goofy soap opera she was watching to channel 7. "Just an hour ago, the Principal of the Junior High--", the reporter on TV said. "That's the same school Jack goes to!", Mom piped up. "Shut chyo mouth, woman!", Dad yelled. "Don't talk to me like that, Chubby!", Mom retorted. Dad lunged at Mom. Mom dodged and Dad crashed into the sink. "Help! My head's stuck in the faucet!", Dad cried. Instead of answering my father's cry for help, I just watched the news.
"Just an hour ago, the Principal of the Junior High went crazy and shot rapidly at student Jack Munson", the reporter said. "Oh dear!", Mom said. "He and other people rushed out as the school crumbled behind them. Huh. Seems pretty intense. The Principal was arrested and kids were sent home early", the reporter continued. Mom rushed over to hug me. "Oh Jack! You are so brave!" Then she slapped me across the face and left a mark on my cheek. "What could you have done so bad that made the Principal try to shoot you?!" I didn't have the guts to tell the whole story to Mom so I just excused myself up to my room and shut the door.
Despite all that occurred, I still thought of "president." I see President Obama on TV all the time, and he gets a lot of publicity. He gets to go to a bunch of meetings and give big speeches. But only think of all that goes on in the White House. I hear they have maids and butlers. Plus security. I've always wanted to be followed by big, buff guys to intimidate others. To me, it seems awesome being President. That's when I had my idea. I immediately phoned my pals Jack & Simon and asked them to meet me at 3:00. I had an idea.
We three had decided to meet in a dark alley behind the abandoned ice cream factory. At approximately 3:00PM, the rendezvous started. "Can we hurry this up? I'm not supposed to be out of the house after 2", Simon said. "But that's the time school ends", I pointed out. "Exactly", Simon replied. "By the way, what the heck happened to you at school?!", Mike asked. "Oh that. I had just forgottten my homework", Simon calmly answered. "WHAT?!!!", I yelled angrily. "YOU HAD ME GET IN TROUBLE WITH A DERANGED PRINCIPAL WITH A SHOTGUN AND MADE ME AND EVERYONE RUN FOR OUR LIVES OUT OF A FALLING SCHOOL AND IT WAS ALL BECAUSE YOU FORGOT YOUR HOMEWORK?!!!!", I screamed at the top of my lungs. "Dude, calm down!", Mike said. "I HAVE NO INTENTION OF CALMING DOWN!", I yelled as I lunged at Simon. I pounced on him and punched his face rapidly. His glasses broke into shards of glass but I could care less at that moment. Blood squirted out of Simon's lip as he begged for mercy! Mike grabbed me off of Simon. I elbowed Mike in his stomach and kicked Simon upside his jaw!
Suddenly, the police showed up out of nowhere. "What the heck happened here?", they asked. A team of police officers had to pry me and Simon apart. Afterward, they dumped the two of us along with Mike into the police car and drove us downtown. In the car, I was able to calm down and look at Simon. There was blood all over his face. I had beasted on the poor guy. "Gee Simon, I'm sorry I went wild", I apologized. "It's all right", he said. "Whatever. What did you want us to meet together for anyway, Jack?", Mike asked. "Well.. I just had this crazy idea that I could run for President", I said. Out of nowhere, the car screeched to a stop. "What's going on?", I asked. "There's a bank robbery!", the officer said as she grabbed a gun and busted out the door. "Quick, while they're out, let's drive away", Mike suggested. "What? We're much too young", Simon said. "That didn't stop all those kids on TV. Just trust me", Mike said as he jumped to the driver's seat. He put the key in and stepped on the gas pedal.
The car zoomed off. "What the --?", the police officer stammared. Inside the car, Simon panicked. "What are we doing? We're all gonna die!", Simon screamed. "Simon, snap outta it!", I said as I readied to slap him. Simon caught my hand and punched me dead in my face! I crashed into the police door and it fell off, thus I crashed into the hard street. "Ugh!", I stammered as I grabbed onto the car's bumper and held on for dear life! "What did you do?!", Mike asked. "I gave Jack a punch so hard he fell out of the car", Simon said. "Really? Simon, I didn't know you had it in you", Mike said. "That doesn't matter, he could die!", Simon frantically said. "No he won't. He's hanging onto the bumper back there", Mike said. Simon climbed out of the car and jumped on the roof. "Jack buddy, give me your hand!", Simon said as he held out his hand. I reached out to grab his hand. But... GUNSHOT! The police were right behind us and they were shooting! "Dwaah!", I yelled. I let go of the bumper and caught Simon. He pulled me onto the roof and we were able to climb back into the car.
"How are y'all doin'?", Mike asked, somehow managing the manuveration of the car. "Just great except --", I started. A bullet flew in through the back windshield. "--that", I finished. "Waaah!", Mike screamed. "Dude, it's just a bullet", Simon said. "No I'm gonna drive into the lake!", Mike yelled. "Oh. That is worth screaming for", Simon corrected. "WAAH!", we all screamed. The car crashed through the gate and we splashed into the lake. We escaped the drowning car and rose to the surface. "Whew. That was close", I said. "So yeah. It's a good idea", Mark said. "What?", I asked. "You being President. It'd be nice to have a kid in charge for once", he said. "Yes. And I've memorized how a random guy gets to become President. However it won't be easy", Simon said. Right then, a police car stopped right next to the gate. The police officer walked out and looked straight at us. "You kids are in a big heap o' trouble", she said. "I know. It's now past my bedtime", Simon said. "Your bedtime is at 3:30?", I asked. I caught myself. "You know what? Never mind."
We were, once again, brought downtown. Only this time, there was a murderous maniac sitting in the back row with us. "So... you robbed a bank, eh?", Mike asked him. "Shut up", the criminal replied. "Don't talk to me like that you fool!", Mike retorted. "Kid, I'm a convicted felon. I can find out where you live and kill you", the criminal threatened. "Oh no. I'm so scared", Mike sarcastically said. The criminal pulled a rifle out from his back pocket and held it to Mike's forehead. "One more word and I pull the trigger", the criminal said. "Put that thing down before you hurt yourself", Mike said. "That's IT!", the criminal shot at Mike. Mike ducked and punched the criminal! The criminal hit the back seat with a blow. He sat unconscious as Mike victoriously stated, "Don't mess with the Mike-ster 'cause the Mike-ster's gonna mess with you."
The car stopped before the town's prison. Me, Simon, and Mike were brought inside and seated down before the chief of police. "Kids, you realize why you're here?", the chief asked. "'Cause we were in the wrong place at the wrong time?", I answered. "No. I mean, yes. Ugh... stop confusin' me, boy!", the chief commanded. "But all I said was --", I started. "It's gonna be the last thing you say if ya don't shut your yap!", the chief yelled. All right. Fine. I can take a hint. "You were engaged in an intense brawl in a dark alley. And that's no place for a bunch of minors", the chief explained. "It was all them. I was just watching", Mike said. "Shut chyo fat mouth, Kid!", the chief yelled. "Now as I was saying, we are gonna need to notify your parents on this", the chief continued. "Nah. We don't feel like telling you where we live", I said. "It don't matter if you 'feel like it' or not! You WILL tell us where you live, or else!", the chief threatened. "Let's make a deal, Red", I said standing up to the chief's face. "You get us a bucket of hot wings with some sauce and we'll tell you our names. Then you can dig up our government files or something", I suggested. "No deal! Sit down Boy! Tell us now!", the chief commanded. "Uh Jack, maybe we should tell him. He seems really angry", Simon said. "No... We have to stand up to the man", I said. "If so, why'd you order hot wings? You know I'm a vegetarian", Simon said.
The chief and I stared into each other's eyes for a few minutes. His eyes were cold, angry, and unblinking. I was about to sit down and tell this guy what he wanted. But no, I couldn't. I had to stand up for what I thought was right. So I put on the most determined face I had and said, "Listen Red, I'll give you one more chance. It's now or never." The chief opened his mouth to say something but then he stopped. A few seconds later, he said "I'll go order the hot wings." I couldnn't believe my luck! I had stood up to the man and I had won. Yeah... I guess Mom was right. Perseverance does work. So for the next few minutes, me and my friends sat down dipping buffalo wings in some nice blue cheese sauce. "So...", the chief said. "Jack Munson. Nice to make your acquaintance", I said, holding out my sauce-filled hand. "Uh, I'd rather skip the formalities", the chief said as he rushed into some random room. "I guess it goes to show. Things really do happen if you work at it", Simon said, licking his finger. "You'd make a great leader, Jack", Mike said.
Just then, one of the officers walked into the room. "Hey. You're that Jack kid, right?", he said, pointing at me. "That's the name. Don't wear it out", I said. "Well I'm an intern here", he said. He looked like an intern too. He was a teenager with a bunch of freckles and red bushy hair. "I've gotten to know the chief and he's a really stubborn fellow", the intern said. "Hey!", the chief yelled from another room. "It's amazing that a little kid like you could stand up to that beast and make him do what you say", the intern said. I didn't know if that was a compliment or an insult but I thanked him anyway. As he turned his back to leave the room, I asked him "Do you think I'd make a good President?" "Sure", he replied. A lightbulb lit above my head. If some random guy I never met before thought I could be President, then just imagine what the town would think. Just then, the chief barged into the room at the last second. "Your parents have been notified. They'll be here in a few minutes", he said. Just great.
Well, Mom and Dad did come. They volunteered to take Simon and Mike home. The second I was alone in the car with them, Mom started yelling "WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YA MENTALLY-IMPAIRED FREAK OF A SON!" Then Dad went, "WHEN YOU GET HOME, YER GONNA GET SUCH A SPANKING THAT YOUR BUTT WILL BE REDDER THAN AN APPLE!" But as great as my parents' threatens are, I was too deep in my own thought. I was ready to take this "President" thing to a whole new level.
But before I could execute my genius plan, I had to take the scolding from my parents. "WHAT IS WITH YOU?! WE SEND YOU TO YOUR ROOM AND SECONDS LATER, WE FIND YOU IN PRISON?!", Mom yelled. "YEAH! YOU CANNOT BELIEVE HOW ANGRY WE ARE, BOY!", Dad yelled too. "I'M TELLIN' YA, GET READY FOR THE SPANK OF A LIFETIME!", Mom yelled, as she raised her hand. She went to hit me but then I slapped her in her face. Yes, that's right. I slapped my Mom. "(gasp) How dare you!", she shouted. "Mom, I know what I'm doing", I simply said. "What?", she asked, confused at what I was saying. I was ready to take a stand for myself. To show these people what I could do. "I know what I'm doing. I have a plan and I know that I can use it for the best of everybody but you have to believe me", I said. And I gave one of those sad, but "I know what I have to do" signs. Mom fell right for it. But Dad wasn't easily convinced. "That kid's trying to trick ya! He NEEDS to die!", Dad yelled. Mom pulled out a frying pan and bashed Dad over the head with it! "Shut up, Man! Our son may be onto something here!", she yelled. Then she turned back to me. "Okay Jack, I believe you. But you still need to be punished. Go to your room", Mom said. "Don't you remember what happened the last time I was sent to my room?", I said, slyly. "Oh right. OK then... stay right there. We're having macaroni and cheese for dinner", Mom said, trying to make me feel punished. "Fine. I love mac and cheese", I said. "With CORN!", Mom said, noticing my freshness. "Corn's my favorite vegetable", I said. "Is there anything you don't like?", Mom angrily asked. "I don't like being sent up to my room", I said with a smirk. "Then go to your room!", Mom commanded, falling for my reverse psychology. However, as soon as I turned my back, Mom said "Hey, wait a second... You stay right here!"
The next morning, I was ready to put my plan into fruition. I had previously gone on the computer and did some research on Stories and Info Wiki. It said that a guy has to get recommendations in his/her hometown before they can run for President. I thought that if enough people said I could be President, I might actually have a shot at this thing. I took the bus to school (which got rebuilt) and sat next to Simon. I explained my plan to him and waited for a response. "Hmm... interesting idea, Jack. But there are quite a few things in the way. First of all, you must be 35 years or older to run for President, as stated in the Constitution, Also, after the town hears of your recent jail time, they may not be so fond of you to say you'd make a great President", Simon explained. "Then, we have to get to them BEFORE they hear of my little folly. Besides, we'll worry about the age discrimination later, should we get that far", I said. "I dunno, Jack. You seem pretty serious about this. We've never had a President older than 42 and you're only 12", Simon said. "And that's the problem. Kids need more opportunities. When I'm President, kids'll be able to vote", I boldly said. "You're gonna be President?!", some random kid sitting behind us asked. "Um... uh, well I, guh.. It's a.. work in progress", I stammared. "Will you let kids drive?", the kid asked. "Sure, if I can pass that law. But don't tell anybody", I told him. "Sure", the kid agreed.
By the time I got to school, a dozen kids were asking me what I'd do when I was President. This has taught me a lesson: always deny everything. When I got away from the band of kids, I bumped into Chelsea. "Uh.. hee hee. Hmm.. how ya doin', Chels?", I asked. "I heard of your little 'President' idea. I doubt it'll work", she said coldly. "You're still mad about that time the Principal had a shotgun, aren't you? A shame too. I was thinking about making you my First Lady", I said. She closed her locker and said, "Flattering offer. But I'm late for Science class." And she left just like that. Geez, you just can't please some people. I turned around and came face to face with the janitor, Jeff. "Dah!", I yelled in alarmment. "Wah!", Jeff went. "Dah!" "Wah!" "Dah!" "Wah!" "Dah!" "Hi." "Hi." Silence. "Well, a kid just threw up in Room 213. Gotta go." As Jeff left, I asked him "Hey Jeff, do you think I'd make a good President?" "You'd make a nice President. But there are some laws written by stupid, old guys who won't even let you get out of the state", he replied. "Can I take that as a 'yes'?", I asked. "Yes. Yes you can", Jeff said and walked away with his mop. I took out my checkboard and wrote a " I " on the column of Who Wants Me to Be President.
I walked over to History class. History is always my best subject, so it'd be a shoo-in for the teacher to say I'd make a great President. "Jack, when did the War of 1812 start?", Ms. Franklin (the teacher) asked. Well that was the easiest question I was ever asked. "1812, of course", I simply said. "Correct", she said. Later she asked me, “Jack, what is the first Chinese food restaurant established in this town?” “Um… Chinese Food Place on Scallop Ave”, I answered. “It is, eh? OK then”, Ms. Franklin replied. “Why’d you want to know that?” I asked. “’Cause I’m ordering lunch”, she said. Then the bell rang and the class rushed out the door. I stayed behind for a minute to ask Ms. Franklin a question.
“Oh hello, Mr. Munson. Thanks for the information. Folks say that the first restaurant has the best meals”, Ms. Franklin said. “Great, I’ll go to the first McDonalds put in this town”, I joked. “Ha ha. You’re so funny, Jack. You’re never afraid to speak what’s on your mind”, she said. “Yep”, I replied. Though right now, I was having second thoughts on asking Ms. Franklin the question. However, I just decided to say it. “Ms. Franklin, this may soon crazy but… lately, I’ve been thinking about running for President”, I blurted out. At that moment, Ms. Franklin spit out the coffee she was slurping. “What?! Are you MAD?!”, she screamed. Then she calmed down and said, “Jack, you’re quite the comedian. But don’t you think you should run along to Math class now?”, she asked. “I’m serious, Ms. Franklin”, I said, “I’m really thinking about this.” Ms. Franklin wasn’t about to crush my hopes and dreams so she said, “Jack, I’m sure you’d make a great leader. But the odds are against you. And the laws and… everything! People in this world think that kids can’t really do a lot of good things and that they should just stay in school so they can actually do stuff when they’re adults”, she explained. “What? That’s a bunch of foolishness”, I said angrily. “It is. I believe kids can do anything if they put their mind to it, and they don’t need to be old to do it. But… (sigh). There’s just too much and I can’t do anything”, she said. “That’s the problem. Nobody can do anything. Well, somebody HAS to do something – whether they’re allowed to or not!”, I announced boldly. “Yeah. I have faith in you, Jack Munson. Go and so this world what you can do”, she said. Then the weirdest thing that could ever happen happened. The teacher gave me a kiss on the cheek. “Now you’d best go to Math. And don’t forget what’s really important”, she said. “I won’t”, I replied. So I walked out the door with the weirdest feeling. All I knew is that, for the next hour, the most important thing was gonna be the rules of division.
I was able to go to the teachers in my other classes and I asked them - and I quote "If I wanted to be President when I'm older, do you think I'd make a good one?" I didn't want to tell all these teachers my secrets because... well, you know teachers. I just Ms. Franklin because I knew I could trust her. Anyway, after school, I took the bus home. However, I didn't get off at my stop. I got off BEFORE my stop. My plan was to ask random people in the neighborhood who've seen me here and there if I'd make a good President. Fortunately, most of them said yes - just like the teacher. I got home soon, and went straight to my room since I was grounded. I called Simon & Mike and told them about my great ratings. However, as great as they were, what the heck was I supposed to do with them? Simon suggested that I present them to the governor and that he could address the President at the annual Leaders' Meetings. Of course! How could I forget? Once a year, all the mayors and governors gather in a room with the President and discuss political junk. If I could get the governor to acknowledge me, I could possibly start my campaign soon. But there was still the matter of age discrimination. Eh, I'd deal with that later. For now, it's talk time with the governor.
The next day was Saturday. That is, to say, that there was no school. Thus leaving kids to do whatever dangerous and life-threatening stunt they wished! And boy was I ready to do a dangerous and life-threatening stunt. See, I lived in New York. And that meant I had to meet the Governor of New York: David Patterson. Me and Simon and Mike packed our bags and went to leave our homes and venture into the unknown. But before we could do that, we had to escape the Parents. "Jack, where in the world are you going with that backpack and briefcase?", Mom asked. "Yeah. Especially when your grounded, boy", Dad added. "Hush up, Chubby", Mom told him. "Uh.. I was just.. goin' on the school camping trip. Yeah... the camping trip!", I lied. "How come we never received any notice of this 'trip'?", Mom asked. "Um... cuz you're fat?", I said. Mom gave me an intimidating glare. "OK fine! I admit it! There is no trip! I'm just leaving 'cuz Dad's too ugly to live with", I said. "Why you rotten savage --!", Dad yelled as he lunged at me. I dodged his attack and ran out the door. "Jack Munson, you get back here right this instant!", Mom said as she chased me.
Outside, Simon came in his flying car. "Whoa, Simon. Where'd you get the sweet ride?", I asked. "My dad's a scientist. You'd amazed what I find in his junk drawer", Simon explained, "Hop in." Mom came outside and stopped in her tracks. "Where the heck did that flying automobile come from?", she asked. "You'll find out when the fat lady sings", I said as I jumped into the car. Dad raced outside and crashed into Mom. With the two of them on the ground, Simon and I blasted off. We stopped by Mike's house to pick him up. "I wonder how Mike's doing with his parents?", Simon asked. Suddenly, gunshots were heard from inside the house. "What's going on?!", I asked. Mike came crashing through a window near the top of the house. He fell through and landed in the car. "Quick! Run before Mom gets the rifle!", Mike pleaded. Suddenly, Mike's Mom ran out the door with a giant gun! "Eat lead, Michael!", she yelled as she rapidly fired. The three of us got the heck out of there! When we were safe, Simon put the car on autopilot and from there on, it was smooth sailing to Albany.
We finally reached New York's capital. There, we had to enter the New York State Capitol where we could find Governor Patterson. When we got to the gates of the building though, we finally realized that it wasn't gonna be easy. There were guards covering the whole perimeter of the building, and I had no doubt that there were more guards INSIDE too. So we had to enter the car in through the roof. We parked the car and Simon took out a laser pen. He cut a big hole and we were able to enter. We landed in the vents. Trying not to trip any of the security, the three of us silently crept until we were over the room in which Governor Patterson sat, signing various papers. We quietly entered the room.
Patterson was "legally blind", meaning that he couldn't see from far. So he barely saw us when we walked around the room. We had to keep our mouths shut, but then Mike ruined everything. He blurted out, "Hey Dave, this is a sweet crib you got here." Quickly, the Governor came to. "Wha--? Who the heck said that? Is it a terrorist?!", Patterson yelled in alarm. "No, sir. You don't understand!", I quickly said. "SECURITY", Patterson yelled out. Suddenly, a blast of energy shot through the door! In jumped a group of elite men with machine guns. "You terrorists! Eat lead!", one of the guards yelled as they rapidly shot. "Whoa!", I hastily ducked behind a desk. Meanwhile, Simon jumped out the window and Mike was left all alone. The bullets pierced his body and he fell on the floor, unconscious! Was this the end of Mike?
The guards grabbed Mike's leg and dragged him out the door. The other guards threw grenades out the window, to try to blow up Simon. "Did you get all of them?", the Governor asked. "All but one", the head guard said. Suddenly, a gigantic BOOM! was heard from outside. "Now the brainy one who jumped out the window should be blown to smithereens", the guard said. "We'll send backup to pick up his charred carcass." I couldn't believe it. I was a lone warrior. All my friends were dead. But I had to forge on with my plan, friends' help or not. When I was sure the guards were gone, I jumped out from my hiding place and approached Governor Patterson. "Hello there, sir", I calmly said. "What?! You again, ya beast!!!", the Governor yelled. Then he pulled out a shotgun and said, "Eat lead, Bin Laden!" "Whoa, dude. I'm not a terrorist. I'm just a young boy", I said. "Huh? Oh. So you are! I thought you were a villain with an extremely high voice. What can I do fer you son?", Patterson asked.
"Well... I don't know how to explain this but...", I started. "I'm thinking of running for President of the United States", I merely said. Well, Patterson BURST into laughter. "Ah ha ha ha ha!" Then he fell on the floor. He was rolling around, tearing with laughter. "Whoa Mama, that sure is funny!", he said when he was able to get up. "But seriously kid, why are you here? Want some candy?", Patterson asked. "No thanks. Candy rots your teeth", I said, annoyed that this fool didn't think I had what it takes to lead our country. "Huh. Ain't you a smart boy. Perhaps you could be... be.. President!", then the Governor burst into laughter again and fell on the floor. I didn't have time to waste with this idiot, so I left a stack of papers on his desk. "These are the people who think I've got what it takes. See ya", I said as I walked away. Patterson stood up and looked at the papers. "Wow. This kid ain't kiddin'", Patterson said.
"Yo boy, what do you want me to do with this junk?", Patterson asked. "Well, this 'junk' as you call it, should be presented at the Leaders' Meeting where we can discuss my candidacy for Presidency. I'll gladly come if you'd like", I said. And with that, I left the Governor, who just stood there dumbfounded. I had just bested the Governor of New York. If that's not a sign that I'm a good candidate for President, I don't know what the heck is. As I was walking through the hallway, I heard a loud thumping from the utility closet. I opened the door and out fell Mike. "What the --? Mike? I thought you were shot to death?!", I asked. "No. I had a bullet-proof vest. How'd it go with the Governor?", Mike asked. "I left the guy with a puzzled look on his face. Now let's hightail it out of here", I said. So the two of us ran and crashed through a window! We landed on the soft grass below as shards of glass fell around us. Something jiggled in the shrub near us. Mike took out a knife and held it to the shrub. Out of the shrub jumped Simon. Mike poked Simon in the eye. "OW! What the heck is wrong with you?!", Simon asked. "Sorry", Mike said.
"Look! There they are!", shouted a voice from behind us. 'Twas the same guards we had encountered earlier. Now they were back for more trouble! "I thought we had disposed of you brats. But apparently now we have to kill you and make sure you STAY dead", the guard said. "Listen dude, we don't want any trouble. We were just about to leave", I said. I didn't want to cause trouble with this guy. But then Mike chimed in with his comment. "Come on Jack. Don't be scared of those fools. We can take 'em out", Mike said. "This is coming from a guy who was brutally shot with a machine gun", Simon said. "How do you know that? You had jumped out the window when that happened", Mike pointed out. "I know people", Simon said, quite suspiciously. "Enough chit-chat. Jonny want kill!", yelled one of the buff guards and then started shooting at us. I quickly grabbed the lid of a trash can and used it as a shield. "Learn correct grammar before you use a firearm", I said. Then when the shooting stopped, I threw the lid at the guard and it hit him in the head!
"Ugh", the buff guard groaned as he fell on the grass. "Man down! Man down!", a thin guard yelled. "Shut up, boy!", the head guard yelled. "Hey, zip it ya big piece of pork", the thin guard retorted. "My overweight stomach should not have anything to do with this", the head guard said, "You're FIRED!" "Hey, you can't fire me. I fire myself!", the thin guard said. There was a long silence. "Okay, NOW I'm fired", the thin guard said. "Hey, where kids?", the buff guard asked. Me and Simon and Mike had high-tailed it out of there a while ago. "Uh-oh", Simon said. "Uh-oh what?", I asked. "The flying car's on the roof", he pointed out. "The heck with the car! I'm callin' a taxi!", I yelled. And with that, I deposited 25 cents in the pay phone and called a decent cab. It showed up seconds later. "Where to, Random Boy?", the taxi driver asked. "I don't care! Anywhere but here!", I yelled. "Okay, keep ya sweatpants on", the driver said. "They are JEANS, boy! JEEEEANS!", I shouted. The driver kicked me out of the car and drove away with Simon and Mike. "Well... this stinks", I said.
Unfortunately, I was forced to walk ALL the way home. And that took an entire day. When I got home, I just plopped myself down on the couch and got ready to take a nap. But that nap was quickly interrupted by the "KA-CHUCK!" of a shotgun. "What the --?", I stammared. My mom was aiming a gun at me. "Mom! Why?", I asked. "Tell me where you've been for the past few days and I'll let you go", she said. "Well --", I started. Suddenly, the phone rang. Mom went to pick it up. "Hello", she said. Seconds later, she handed the phone to me. "It's Governor Patterson. For some reason, he wants to talk to you", Mom said. Could this be? "Hello, Mr. Patterson", I said. "Just call me, Dave", he said. "Ok then. Hello, Mr. Dave", I said. "Heh. Heh. Ain't you funny", he said. "Ironically, my History teacher thinks so too", I said. "Enough chit-chat", he said. "Well you're the one who called me", I said. "Anyway, I went over your resume and those results you sent in. I think I just might be able to squeeze you in for the Leaders' Meeting next month", he said. "Whoo-hoo! Thanks, Davey!", I cheered and I slammed the phone. "What is it?", Mom asked. "Mom, I'm gonna be a star!", I said, and then I hurried to my room to call Simon & Mike.
The next day I came to school and everyone paraded around me like I was a hero. "Jack, are you really gonna be President?", one kid asked. "Who's your First Lady?", another asked. "Do you like eggs?", a third asked. When I could escape all the kid-arazzi, I bumped into Chelsea. "Oh hey there, Chelsea. Say, you'll never guess what happened to me", I said with utmost confidence. "You're going to the Leaders' Meeting", Chelsea said. "What? How'd you ---?", I asked. "It's on ALL the news channels. The folks on CNN were going on and on about it", she explained. "I see. Well, I still need that First Lady. So if you'd care to apply I'd glady ---." But by the time I had finished saying that, Chelsea was already gone. "What's with that girl? You think she'd be happy I was giving her an opportunity to go down in history", I muttered. Simon and Mike walked up to me. "Congrats, Jack", Simon said. "Dude you will totally win this thing", Mike said. "Come on guys. This thing is still a month away", I said.
ONE MONTH LATER.....
"What just happened?", I asked. "The story fast-forwarded to the day of the meeting. But enough about that, we gotta get you ready", Simon said. Before I knew it, I was on a plane to Washington, D.C. "Whoa! Is it me, or is it hot in here?", I asked, sweating profusely. "Calm down, Jack. Everything will be fine", Simon said. "And you look smashing in that suit. And I should know that because, heh, it almost looks as good as me", Mike said. "Yeah.. sure, Mike", Simon replied. "I still can't believe you didn't tell us about this first", Mom said. "Mom, no offense, but you and Dad are the last people I would EVER tell my business to", I said. "Why?", Mom said. " 'Cuz it might make Dad mad. And Dad's a pig when he's angry", I joked, "Wait, scratch that. Dad's always a pig." "Hey! There's nothing wrong with the future-President dying before he makes it to Washington, D.C.", Dad threatened. "Oh shut up, Harold! That's why you're on probation", Mom said.
We landed in the country's capital. "Whoa. This is where the Prez lives?", I asked, admiring the White House. "I wouldn't mind living here", Mike said, "Though I'm too good for this place." I walked straight to the Conference Room, where I sat down next to Governor Patterson. "Are ya sure you know what cha doin', Boy?", Patterson asked. "My name's Jack", I said. "Sure, Jack-Boy", Patterson replied. I looked at the end of the table. There sat the big man himself, Barack Obama. "Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh", I stammered. "Buh-buh-Barack Obama!", I said. "He's there. I can see hin.. in person", I shouted. Then I jumped on the table and ran to President Obama. "Man, I'm your #1 fan!", I said. "Uh... that's very flattering, Jack", Obama said. "(gasp)! He said my name! He said MY name!", I shouted. Then I went to Arnold Schwarzenegger, who's the Governor of California, and I yelled in his face, "Did he say YOUR name, Shwartz... Schwaarz... whatever the heck your name is? No! He said mine!" Then I jumped around the table. "He said my na-ame! He said my na-ame!", I sang.
"Jack-Boy, sit down!", Patterson yelled. "Okay fine. I can understand why you're so angry. The President didn't say your name. If the Prez didn't say MY name, I'd be pretty crushed too. But he DID, so I'm not crushed", I said as I sat down. "Uh-huh. Ahem. I call together this 25th annual Leaders' Meeting, featuring the President and Governors of the United States of America", Obama said, "with special guest ---" "He's gonna say my name again", I whispered. "-- Jack Munson." "Wheee!", I cheered. "So, what matter should we address first?", Obama asked. "How's about we vote on der kid's Presidency so he kin get the heck outta here", Rick Perry (Governor of Texas) suggested. "Shut 'cho mouth, boahy!", I yelled. "Jack!", Obama yelled. "That's my name", I said. "Please refrain from yelling", he said. "Why don't you tell that to Walker, Texas Ranger?", I said, referring to Rick Perry. "See? Kids ruin everything!", Rick yelled. "Hey! You're no spring chicken yourself, guy!", I shouted. "OK, all in favor of Jack Munson running for President say 'aye'!", Obama said. 47 Governors said "Aye!" "What? We can't let that kid beast have a chance at being President!", Rick yelled. "Yes. He will ruin us all", Arnold Schwarzenegger said. "I just don't like him", Patterson said. "Don't matter. You've been overruled", Obama said. Then he looked at me. "I'm sure he'll do a good job." I smiled.
I walked out of the meeting hours later. Simon & Mike ran to me. "How'd it go?", Simon asked anxiously. "Let's just say, we better start campaigin'", I said boldly. "Yes!", Mike cheered. Just then, I saw Malia Obama past by. I smiled at her. She smiled back. "Maybe she'd like to be my First Lady", I said. "What about Chelsea?", Simon asked. "She's playing hard to get. That is, if she even wants to be caught", I said. Dad ran up to me and picked me up. "Dad, I'm sorry! Please don't kill me!", I yelled. "Kill you? No. I'm happy you've gotten into the campaigns", Dad said. "Yeah, 'President Munson'. Has a nice ring to it. But you're still grounded", Mom said. Standing in a dark shadow, Chelsea was watching this whole thing in disbelief. "Could Jack really be President?", she thought. "No... That's impossible. But just in case, I better take him up on his offer. That way I can get a lot of publicity and run off with some real men. Leaving poor, naive Jack alone with his crushed heart...."
The Age Discrimination
When the plane reached New York, a huge gang of reporters ran over to me. "Jack, what are your policies for when you become President?", one asked. "Are you a democrat or republican?", another asked. "Is your mother fat?", a third asked. I quickly escaped the interrogators and made a run for it! And the reporters kept on following me. "Get away from me, youu ferocious beasts! Though you're not as much as a beast as Vi--. Oops! Almost revealed some critical information there", I said. "Jack, (random gibberish)", was all I heard from the group that was chasing me in hot pursuit. I was right in the middle of the street when I saw a bus that was about to ram into me! "Whoa!" I quickly dived on the ground as the bus drove over me. Fortunately, I was quite thin, so the bus did not hit me anywhere. I jumped up and kept on running. Sure enough, the reporters were still there. There was only ONE thing I could do now. I had to jump over the bridge and splash into the harbor. 'Twas the only way I could escape these vultures! So I dived into the cold waters below. The reporters stopped in their tracks and turned around. Mission accomplished.
A fire truck came a few minutes later to pull me up out of the water. As soon as I was back on my feet, I first thing I saw were the reporters. I quickly ran to my limo and told the chaffeur to step on it! When I got home, I was squeezing water out of my hair. "Now I know how celebrities feel, what with the reporters chasing them everywhere they go", I admitted. Simon ran up to me. "Munson, my main man! Okay kid, we got to discuss some stuff", he said. "Simon, you're acting like one of those snooty movie producers we make fun of", I said. "Well, I'm now managing the future President. So I got to act like I know what I'm doing. Otherwise, folks will think that I'm just a 'dumb kid' ", Simon explained. "Oh..kay..", I said, unsure of all this.
"First of all, are you a democrat or a republican?", Simon asked. "Um... I wasn't paying attention in Politics class. Could you explain it?", I asked. "Sure. Democrats are folks who support democracy, whereas republicans stand for the republic and doing things their own way", Simon said. "Um.. is there a third choice?", I asked. "Well, you could be an Independent. But no Independent has ever won in U.S. history", Simon said. "Well... I've always been a fan of democracy", I muttered. "Democrat, it is!", Simon wrote down. "But wait --!", I said. "Shut up. Who's your vice president?', Simon asked. "Um.. what about you?", I asked. "Actually, I was thinking of being your chief advisor. You know, the guy who helps the Prez make decisions", Simon suggested. "OK, you can be that. I'll make Mike the vice president", I decided. Mike BURST into the room. "Awesome!", he said. "Now, what you going to do about the age discrimination problem?", Simon asked. "Wha?", I stammared. "You know: 'You have to be 35 years or older' ", Simon pointed out. "Um..."
"Well... the Constitution says all that junk, right?", I asked. "Yes and --. Wait let me check!" Simon quickly checked his U.S. history encyclopedia. "Yes. Yes, it does", he answered. "What if the Constitution DOESN'T say that anymore?", I suggested. "What? Now you're just uttering gibberish, Jack. How is the handwriting gonna randomly vanish?", Simon asked. "We could erase it! I have an eraser that can erase ink", I said. "But the Constitution is hidden in a secret room in the White House, with a whole bunch of security guarding it. There's no way", Simon explained. "Yeah. And we can't just go back to Washington, D.C. That's hundreds of miles away", Mike pointed out. "I know guys but, what other chance do we have?", I asked, "We have to work together if we're gonna get me to be President." "I... I can't do it, Jack. I'm sorry", Simon apologized, and he walked out of the house. "Come on, Mike. We don't need Simon - he's a nerd anyway. We can do it ourselves", I said. "No... I can't, Jack. You're on your own", Mike said, and he walked out the door. I was left all alone. Looks like my Presidency was never meant to be...
But I wasn't about to let that stop me! There was only one person who could assist me now... I took my bike out of the garage and rode over to the supermarket, which has nothing super about it. I walked over to the counter where the clerk lay on a chair. This man... was Wade. "Hello, Wade", I said. Wade quickly woke up. "Huh? Whadda -?! Fried chicken!", Wade stammared. "Wade-O, it's just me", I said. "Oh. There you are, little dude. Haven't seen you in a while. How's it goin'?", he asked. "I'm running for President", I said, thinking that this fool should know. "You are? That's great. I wouldn't know 'cuz I work a full day shift here, and I never watch the news. But there was a fat lady in here who said somethin' about a midget runnin' for --" "But there's a problem", I interrupted. "What? They said you had a squeaky voice?", Wade asked. "No and... hey! It's not that squeaky!", I argued. "I believe we're getting off topic", Wade pointed out. "Oh yeah. See, the Constitution states that a guy has to be 35 years old to run", I said. "Oh yeah", Wade remembered, "Whatcha gonna do?"
A short explanation later, the two of us were outside and Wade had a rocket on his back. "You want me to do what?", Wade asked. "Easy. The rocket will blast you to Washington, D.C., where you sneak into the White House and change the Constitution", I explained. "Is that even legal?", Wade asked. "No. That's why I'm not doing it", I said as I lit the rocket with a match. I handed Wade a walkie-talkie and said "This will help us keep in touch. I'll be on my laptop giving you instructions on how to get through the building to the room the Constitution's in." "OK. See ya, little duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!", Wade acknowledged as he blasted off in the air. "Goshspeed, Wade", I muttered. Wade blasted through the air at such an intense speed that everything around him was a blur and his lips were flapping in the wind! "Gnaaarrrly!", he yelled. Suddenly, he crashed into a building and found himself on a floor with shards of glass around him.
"Hello. Wade. My sensors indicate that you landed in the White House", I said through the walkie-talkie. "Yeah... I am. Ugh. I went so dang fast I could hardly breathe", Wade said. "Yeah, we don't really have time to lose", I said, "We need to --" But the walkie-talkie was crushed to bits by a guard who stepped on it. "Uh-oh", Wade muttered. "Thought you'd infiltrate the White House, eh boahy? Think again", the guard said as he pointed a gun at Wade. Wade jumped up, knocked the gun out of the Guard's hand, and kicked him upside his head! The Guard crashed through the door and fell into the hallway. Wade picked the Guard up and swung at him, but was shocked in the neck by a taser! Wade turned around and quickly blocked a knife that was hurdling straight at him! However, the knife cut his hand and Wade wailed in pain! The wail just made more guards arrive on the scene!
The guards rapidly shot machine guns at Wade. Wade jumped into the air, narrowly escaping the bullets, and sidekicked the guards in their faces. Wade quickly made a run for it. He landed in the elevator and pressed all the buttons. The guards lunged at Wade, but the elevator door shut and the guards bashed into it! 10 minutes later, Wade's ride ended and he walked out dazed and confused. However, unbeknownst to Wade, he had landed in the room where the Constitution is. He walked up to it, and took off the cover that shielded it. He turned to the page that stated the Amendment of which kids could not run for President and erased it with his pen eraser.
As Wade erased the last letter, a random guy BUSTED into the room and through a bomb at Wade! Wade jumped out the window as half of the White House exploded behind him! Wade landed on the grass as fires and sparks flew behind him. Wade reached into his pocket and pulled out his emergency walkie-talkie. "Jack? Jack? Come in Jack", Wade called. "Wade! Am I glad to hear you! Is the deed done?", I asked. "Yes. And I barely escaped death itself", he said. "Great! I --" GUNSHOT! "What the --? Wade, Wade, are you there? Wade!", I desperately called. I never heard from Wade again.
The First Lady
I didn't know what to do, so I just went to bed. The next morning, I headed to school, but not before a huge crowd of paparazzi surrounded me. "(random gibberish) (more gibberish) (gibberish galore)", went the reporters. "SHUT UP!", I yelled. Everyone went quiet. "I'm almost late for school, so please make this brief", I said, annoyed. "Now that you can run for President, what will you do about that Amendment?", one asked. "Amendment? What amendment?", I asked, pretending I didn't know. "The Amendment that says you can't run for the role of President until you are 35", the reporter reminded. "There is no such thing", I said. The paparazzi gasped. "Boy, you are in junior high. You should know very well that there is such a thing", the reporter said. "Prove it", I said. The reporter was flabbergasted. But instead of standing there with his mouth about, he took out his cell phone and called somebody. "Hello, Rick? Yeah, you work at the White House. Check the Constitution and look for the Amendment that says you can't run for President until you are 35", the reporter commanded. After a few minutes, Rick replied, "I can't find it." The reporter stuttered, "Wha -? But a --? Whaddya mean?!", the reporter asked, angrily. "It's true. There is NO amendment that says such a thing. I looked over this 5 times", Rick said. The reporter hung up and glared at me. I had a smirk on my face. "Get out of here you brat", the reporter said. "Gladly", I replied and left the scene.
I got to school and, just like the paparazzi, a whole bunch of kids came out of nowhere to congratulate me. "Congrats on the nomination, boy!", one said. "When you're Prez, can I get a free ticket to the White House?", another asked. "I like eggs!", a third stated. I quickly escaped those vultures and bumped into Simon and Mike. "So you got rid of the amendment. How'd ya do it?", Mike asked. "How did you find out?", I counterasked. Simon held up an iPod that was showing a news report about how the amendment about the 35 year-old thing had mysteriously vanished. "Oh... that's a long story", I muttered. "Go on. First class doesn't start for another 15 minutes", Simon said with a raised eyebrow. "Well...", I started, ".. I got Wade --" "Wade?! The lame store clerk?! Wah ha ha!", Mike burst into laughter.
"Oh please, Mike. Stop acting like you're at Comedy Night with Jerry Seinfeld. You were saying?", Simon interrupted. "Yeah. I gave him a jet pack and he rocketed into the White House. I was about to give him instructions but then we got cut off. Minutes later, he called me saying that the deed was done. Then I heard a gunshot and everything was silent - except for the sound of crackling fire", I explained. "You don't think Wade is dead, do you?", Simon asked. "I don't know. But now I got my biggest obstacle past me so the rest should be smooth sailing", I said proudly. "Not quite. You still have more to go. I'd tell ya but I'm late for my Pre-School Enrichment class", Simon said as he ran away. "And I got to go shine my hair", Mike said, and walked away.
I turned around and came face to face with Chelsea! "Whoa!", I jumped back. I didn't want to lose my cool in front of her so I quickly said, "What brings your beautiful face here in this undeserving hallway?" Nice save, if you ask me. "Heh heh. You're so funny!", Chelsea said and laughed. I couldn't believe this. Chelsea Alexia, laughing at the compliments of Jack Munson? I don't know if that's good or bad, but I treated it like I had moved up one step in the Cool Pyramid. "But anyway Jackie Wackie", Chelsea said. Jackie Wackie? Now she had pet names for me? What the heck was going on?! The Chelsea who once despised me and pushed me away was now treating me like her boyfriend! Oddly enough, I had no problem with that...
"I've been thinking about what you said about being the First Lady..", she continued. Oh my gosh. Was she saying what I had always hoped she would say from the second I first laid eyes on her? It seemed that way. I closely listened. The bell rang, but at that point, if my mother was shot down in cold blood, I could really care less. "... and I thought I'd accept your offer", she finished. I fainted. "What the --?!", she yelled. "No. Don't worry, I'll curse for you", I said. And that's how I ended up in the Principal's office for quoting vulgar profanity. But the heck with that, Chelsea was my First Lady. It must've been a dream. Nobody pinch me. 'Cause if you do, I'll pull out a bloody knife on ya!
The Preparations for the Campaign!
After detention, I ran to Mike and Simon to tell them of what just happened. "You quoted vulgar profanity? I'd never expect that from someone like you", Simon said. "That's not the point! What really matters is that she's my first lady. Why, she might even be my girlfriend", I said, dreamily. "Oh for Petes sake, man. You're only 12", Mike said. "Oh wow, Mike. You're one to talk. You spend 45 minutes a day trying to impress 'the ladies'", I pointed out. "Shut up!", Mike commanded. "Guys please! We must stay focused", Simon said. "We've got this far. We gotta see how much more we can go", Simon said. "Yeah!", I encouraged, "Let's go!"
Following school hours, the 3 amigos journeyed to Jack's house to discuss some business. "Okay. Your first press conference is on Monday. There, you and the other folks running for President will address the public", Simon said. "Wait, Monday? What time?", I asked. "Um, about 11:00 in the morning", Simon answered. "Yes! I get to skip P.E.!", I cheered. "Actually, you'll have to skip the whole school day", Simon went out. "YEAH!", I cheered even louder. "Why even Mike and I have to skip class", Simon said. "D'oh!", I stammered. "Yeah, I don't like missing wonderful school either. But that's what happens when you're helping your best friend run for Presi -", Simon started. "No, I just didn't want you guys to have as much fun as me", I said. Simon made an annoyed face.
"Well anyway, you will have to prepare a speech", Simon said. "Speech? Oh no, I am not good in front of an audience", I panicked. "Don't worry. It's not in front of an audience", Simon reassured. "Good", I breathed. "It's on national TV!", Simon piped up. "Gaaah!", I yelled. "Don't worry, Jack. Just remember... If you make one single, tiny mistake, you're reputation throughout all creation will be ruined and you will never, ever become President", Simon explained. "Oh wow, Simon. That really makes me feel better", I said sarcastically.
Before long, it was Monday and I was shivering like a shaved dog in Antarctica. Of course, I wasn't in Antarctica, and I wasn't a shaved dog but... Well, you know. It's a simile. Or a metaphor. Or... gah! You know what, I'll just shut up and tell the story. The 3 of us, as well as Mom & Dad, were in a recording room along with a bunch of strangers. "Ah, Jack Munson. It's great to see you here. I'm Mr. Blagoy", the man greeted. Mike snickered. "What's so funny, boy?", Mr. Blagoy asked. "Your name. (snicker) BLAGOY! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!", Mike burst into laughter. "Oh yeah? How about I make fun of your name: Mike", Mr. Blagoy retorted. "What's so funny bout "Mike"? It's a normal name, unlike... unlike... BLAGOY! Bwaaaah ha ha ha ha!", Mike laughed. Soon enough, everyone in the room - except Mr. Blagoy of course - started laughing. "Shut up! Shut up, the lot of you!", Mr. Blagoy yelled. The laughter resumed.
Mr. Blagoy pulled out a sniper and started rapidly firing! Everyone ducked! I tripped the guy. Mr. Blagoy fell on the ground and his sniper flew through the air. Simon jumped up and grabbed the gun. He pointed it at Mr. Blagoy. "Listen, heh heh. I admit I was a bit, uh.. "hasty." But do you really want to shoot me?", Mr. Blagoy asked. "Well, it seemed you didn't think twice about pulling this baby out", Simon said, "Give me one reason why I shouldn't shoot you down right now?", Simon asked. "Because... because... eat this!", Mr. Blagoy shouted and pulled out a grappling hook. With it, Mr. Blagoy was able to hastily escape the wrath of Simon! "Well now that that's over, let's get to the speeches", Mr. Blagoy's assistant said.
First up to the microphone was Jeremy Schlinger, a 48 year-old who was also running for President. "Hello, fellow Americans. I am Jeremy Schlinger, and I'm a candidate for President of the United States. The reason I would be a President is because --", he started. " -- I smell like poop", Mike said, imitating Jeremy. "Hey! Shut up kid, or else I'll slice off yo head with a chainsaw!", Jeremy threatened. "Uh, Jeremy... we're on live. People around the universe heard that", the assistant said. "What -? Buh-duh.. Ohh! See that kid?! You ruined my chance at being President!", Jeremy yelled and stormed out the door.
Next up was Salina Maramy, a 36 year-old lady. "Good morning, my peers. I'm Salina Maramy. I would be a good President because.. well for one, I'm not as short-tempered as Jeremy. Am I right?", she asked. "Yeah, but you as ugly as him", Mike muttered. "Hey! Do you mind, you miniature nitwit?! I need to be President so I can drown the country in indefinite recession and keep all the money to myself! And that won't be easy if you come out of nowhere and blurt out your STUPID RAMBLING!", Salina yelled, "And further more, go suck a --! Wait, I'm on, aren't I?" Around the world, various TV-watchers stared in horror at the television. "Ugh!", Salina marched out of the room.
Why, the only one next was I, Jack Munson. I marched up to the mike and looked cool. "Yo, yo, yo, America! This is young boy Jack Munson. If I were President, I'd for one make history as the youngest President. Plus I'd make equal rights for not just adults, but kids also! I'm tellin' ya, America will be in the best shape its ever been with a child at the controls! Remember, Jack Munson 2010!", I announced and stept down the podium."What's wrong with you, Jack? You didn't use my speech", Simon said, disappointed. "Simon, you're speech was great and all. But it's me who will be President. And plus, the old speech was kind of long, compared to the other ones", I said. "Okay, I understand. You feel it'd be best to do it yourself, as if not to cheat", Simon said. "Actually, I just said that not to make you mad, but that explanation's even better", I said.
The Attack of Jeremy Schlinger
After this, we all went to a restaurant called "The Fried Chicks." I had no idea what that meant, until I saw there were cute teenage girls in chicken outfits as the waitresses. Well I could really care less, so I just ordered a cheeseburger, lobster dipped in butter, and a steak. After I well-needed meal, I went to the bathroom. Little did I know, as I was washing my hands, an ominous figure walked into the room. The door closed and I heard the sound of locking. That meant I and the stranger were alone in the bathroom...
I turned around and saw a shadow on the floor. Quickly, I took a roll of toilet paper and walked towards the figure. Suddenly, out of the shadows came Jeremy Schlinger! I hurled the roll of paper at him but he blocked and swung at me! I dodged the attack and kicked him upside his head! Jeremy flew back, took out a rubber star and threw it at me! The star ripped across my face, leaving a huge cut. When I recovered and turned around, I saw Jeremy's foot pointed straight at me! He kicked me and I crashed through the bathroom window to fall to a bloody death!
Jeremy jumped after me, ready to end it all. I grabbed his shirt collar, pulled him towards me, and smacked his face! Jeremy flipped back, hit his head on a window, and flew back at me! Jeremy strangled me and I could hardly breathe! I kicked Jeremy in the stomach, and while he was in pain, I repeatedly banged on his head! Jeremy grabbed my hand and punched me! I zipped through the air and crashed into a building! Jeremy came after me. I grabbed a computer that was on a random table and HURLED it straight at him! The computer hit Jeremy like a safe and the guy fell backwards and hit the ground!
I jumped out the building and rushed to Jeremy's side. The guy's eyes were closed and he wasn't breathing. I thought that I had ended his life, until Jeremy abruptly woke up and kicked me into the air! Jeremy grabbed me by the shirt and continuously pounded me against the hard brick wall! Finally, he tossed me on the ground and several of my teeth fell out of my mouth! Jeremy pulled out a dagger and sought to stab me until a police car came FLYING out of nowhere and crashed on top of Jeremy! When all the dust cleared, Jeremy emerged from the debris and made a run for it. I tried to catch him but a police officer held me back.
"Boy, who did this to you?", the officer asked. "Jeremy Schlinger! He tried to kill me!", I frantically yelled. Well, the police officers just burst into laughter. Had they thought it funny how I had to fend for my life against a homicidal maniac? The nerve! I thought these guys were supposed to help people, not laugh at near-death situations. "What's so funny?", I asked angrily. "Oh, kid. It's just that Jeremy Schlinger is running for President. He wouldn't try to kill a kid during his campaign", the officer said. "I'm no ordinary kid, I'm Jack Munson", I said. "You... you... oh my gosh", the officer said.
The police officers were baffled at this. Soon enough, they came to the conclusion that if I were running for President, I wouldn't just lie like that. It amazes me; it took them that long to find out the obvious. We went out to find Jeremy and give him what he had comin' to him. When we found him however, I was shocked. There Jeremy was, planting seeds in a garden. "Wow. Mr. Schlinger, is this what you've been doing all day?", the officer asked. "Yep. Just helpin' the environment. That's not against the law, is it, officer?", Jeremy asked, acting completely innocent. "No, of course not", the officer chuckled. I couldn't believe my eyes. "Listen, this guy tried to KILL me! And you're complimenting him?!", I shouted. "Kill you? I would never do anything of the sort", Jeremy said. "Liar!", I said and swung at him!
Just then, my parents and a whole bunch of paparazzi came out of nowhere and saw my fist about a centimeter from Jeremy's cheek. "Jack, what the heck are you doing?!", Mom asked angrily. "I, uh...", I stammered. "Your son said that Jeremy Schlinger tried to do him in, when in actuality he was just here planting seeds", the officer told Mom. "No! Mom, I'm telling the truth! You have to believe me!", I shouted, tears streaming from my eyes. "Well... I don't know. Jack wouldn't lie about something like this", Mom said. "Hello? Jack keeps millions of things from us! Why, we didn't even know he was running for President until recently! Face it, Jack's Mom, your son is a liar!", Dad said. "Noooo!", I yelled and kicked Dad! Dad punched me so hard that I flew back and crashed into a tree! The tree toppled over and fell right in the middle of the crowd!
When I woke up, I saw Jeremy in my face. "Good morning, Sleeping Ugly", he muttered. "Jeremy! You fool!", I yelled. I was about to lunge at him until I found out that I was strapped down to a table. He looked at me with a devious smirk on his face. "You see, Jack. When we first met, you pretty much ruined my chance at being President. But after the events of earlier today, my support boosted, and your's declined. My initial plan was to eliminate you from the competition, but when the police came, I saw it irresistible to make you look guilty and I innocent. And now, when the country does the pre-voting next month, one of the three of us running for President will be eliminated, most likely you. Then I will only have to obliterate "that girl" whose name escapes me. Genius, isn't it?", Jeremy explained.
I opened my mouth to talk, but then he said, "Aw, who cares what you think? Now boy, I will let you go. But if you let one word of this out, I will hunt you down and gut you like a fish! Not that anyone would believe you anyway", Jeremy said quite deviously, and let me go. The first thing I did was smack Jeremy, but when I did, some random girl with a camera came into the room and took a picture. To make a long chapter short, I got a nice talk from my parents later that day.
The next morning, I read a news paper and this was on the front page: "KID PRESIDENT CANDIDATE IN HOT WATER! Presidential candidate Jack Munson, 12, has been in a big heap of trouble lately. Two days ago, he accused fellow candidate Jeremy Schlinger of trying to kill him, when Schlinger was just planting seeds. When his father tried to state that Jack was a lier, Munson attacked his father, who hit him in return so hard that Jack crashed into a tree and caused it to collapse. The following day, Jack and Jeremy were alone in a home, thought to be making up, when Munson was trying to subdue Schlinger. Jack's popularity has plummeted 75% whereas Schlinger's has increased ten-fold... (continued on page 6).
Now if there is anything worse than someone attacking you, it's that no one listens to you.
The Process of Elimination
The month passed by, and my popularity declined with each step I took. To give you an idea of what I'm talking about, here's an excerpt from one of my speeches:
"Hello, fellow Americans. Okay, I know lately I've been in some hot water. I mean, you all probably think I'm a lier because I accused that Schlinger guy of trying to mangle me. Well, then you're crazy! Because that guy DID try to kill me! He had a murderous look on his face! And if you don't believe me, you're a fool! Yeah, that's right! A FOOL! Go to heck! Go to heck, all of ya!"
As you can see, in trying to free myself from the grasp of guiltiness, I just plunged myself even deeper. Well, now it was time for the Process of Elimination. Remember a couple of years ago, when Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and John McCain were running for President, then Clinton got voted off? Well, that's kind of what's going on here. Out of me, Jeremy, and Salina Maramy, one of us is gonna be cut off. And due to my "recent performance", I bet I'll be the guy.
The day before the voting, I talked to Simon & Mike during free period. "I'm telling you guys, we should just quit while we're ahead. The three of us all know I'm sunk", I lamented. "Come on, Jack. Pull yourself together! The problem is that you took one incident, and you made a big deal about it. Americans don't like that. One bad thing happens, it's the news all day, then the next it's flushed completely out of everyone's system", Simon said. "Yep. Besides at least we believe you", Mike said. "Wow, Mike. Like two people that believe me are gonna help me get through the candidacy", I said. "Hey, I'm just trying to be optimistic!", Mike said.
Then Chelsea arrived on the scene. "Hey, my little Jack-a-lee bear. How's the Presidency?", she asked, as if absolutely nothing had gone wrong. "Have you been watching the news?", I asked. "No. I only watch the Beauty Channel. And Disney Channel if they're showing Hannah Montana", she said. "Chelsea, why are you completely oblivious to everything that happens?", I asked. "Hey, I assigned to be First Lady, not actually pay attention to what goes on around us. Unless of course, what goes on around us has to do with nail polish", Chelsea said. "His Presidency is in jeopardy, okay you spoiled little rich girl?", Simon explained. "Hey, I'm just trying to help. Yeesh, like Mama says, you just can't please some people", the girl said and walked off.
"What's with her?", Mike asked. "I don't know", I said, still sadly sulking. "Listen Jack, you can still ace this thing. You get to make one last speech before the voting. If you really make it inspirational, you can be one of the folks who make it on to the next level", Simon encouraged. "Well maybe... maybe that could work. Jack Munson does NOT give up! Unless I'm trying to save the world and some villain holds me over a vat of acid. That's one time to give up because... well... really, who wants to be burned in a vat of acid?", I said, regaining my courage. "That's my boy!", Simon said. "I'm not your boy!", I said. "Oh.. friend. That's my friend. Or it. That's my it. I mean, that's it. Yeah, that'll work. That's it! That is it!", Simon corrected. "Ohhh... kay...", Mike said.
So the next day, I was in front of a whole bunch of people, and to my right was a whole bunch of voting booths for the whole bunch of people to vote in. Some people were cheering, others were "boo"-ing. Either way, I could hardly concentrate. But I had to, otherwise my Presidency would soon be nothing but a speck of dust blown away in the Chicago wind... or something. You know, I like this metaphor stuff. It makes you sound like you know what you're doing. And I have no idea what I'm doing, so it's really helpful. Now I know why the ladies love poetry because... well... it's awesome, you know, with the rhyming, and the metaphors, and whatnot. Yep. That's cool. But why am I just sitting here, typing to myself? Is this not a biography?
Anyway, I cleared my throat, tapped the microphone (and it made that squeaky feedback sound), and everybody shut up. All the eyes were on me. It was time to dance. Not actually dance per se but... It's a metaphor, see? A metaphor! It's meant to illustrate... Ugh. Why is it so hard to stay on track?! I mean, it's so simple, I just have to type down what I said on my speech, and now here I am like an idiot talking about metaphors of all things. Metaphors! Have you ever heard of anything so foolish? Not to say that the concept of metaphor is foolish, but the fact that I'm talking about it when I obviously have something to... You know what? I'll... I'll just shut up.
(whew) Okay, now I'm back on track and I won't talk about... what was I talking about? Whatever I was talking about, I bet it was stupid and should never be mentioned again. Okay, so here's the thing. Speech. Here's the speech. Yeah.
"Hello my fellow Americans. I know you all probably hate my guts for insulting all of you and your mothers over.. over an unfortunate incident. But I've put that past me. Okay? Past. Gone. Vamoose. The mere thought of it will never grace my thoughtful mind ever again, as long as I shall live. And it won't be in my mind when I'm dead either because... well, when a guy is dead he can't think. Because.. it's all pitch black and stuff, and like, all his vital organs and stuff have COMPLETELY shut down, like when you close a factory. It's like discontinued and... and who cares? The point is, I'm sorry for my foolishness. I was quick to anger, and it shall never be done again.
"So when you vote today, in a few minutes, because you are an American and Americans can vote because... because that's what they do. They vote and it's clearly in the Constitution that you, the American, can vote for stuff. So when you vote for me, don't judge me by my craziness, judge me by what I said I would do when I am President. Which was... I-I said, that I would end the war, make laws fair for kids because I am a kid myself and I would best understand the needs of the American child, and thus I would ---." But right in the middle of my inconsistent ramble, Jeremy came out of NOWHERE!
"Americans, are you really gonna vote for this fool? Do you know what he did? He was sent to the Principal's office, and minutes later, the school blew up!", he yelled. The audience gasped. What --? How did Jeremy know all this? What the heck --? "And he was sent to jail for beating up a kid so hard that blood was splattered all over the boy's face!" What was --? Okay, I admit that maybe I had --. But that was no reason to... "And that he snuck into the Governor of New York's office and attempted to execute acts of terrorism?!" Now that was a lie. That was a dang lie. I had never... Who did he think I was, Osama Bin Laden's son? "And then he changed the Constitution --!" That's was all I needed I hear.
I put my hand over the guy's mouth before he told my life story. I had just patched up my reputation, and now this guy had gone torn it down. But by then it was too late. The voting commenced. I was as sunk as the Titantic. But how could... How'd he...? Someone close to me must of told Jeremy. Someone close to me who didn't want me to win. And based on the info, it was either Simon or Mike!
I pushed Jeremy away and went backstage. I went to find either Simon or Mike. Fortunately I found both walking towards me. I started foaming from the mouth. I was so angry! "Hey Jack. Why you so steamed?", Mike asked. "OKAY, WHICH ONE OF YOU DONE IT?!", I yelled at the top of my lungs! "What --? Did what?", Simon asked. "YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHAT, YOU BACK-STABBING FREAK!", I continued screaming. "Uh... I don't", Simon said. "Neither do I", Mike replied. "DON'T LIE TO ME! YOU GAVE JEREMY THAT INFORMATION SO HE COULD CONVINCE THE CROWD NOT TO VOTE FOR ME!", I explained. "I did? Well it turns out that I'm worse than I thought", Mike said, acting like an idiot.
"You didn't do anything", Simon said, "And neither did I. Jack, what are you talking about?", Simon asked. I calmed down. "OK, I said. Are you sure you guys didn't backstab me?", I asked. "No, how could we stab you? We don't have a knife", Mike said. "He's not literal, Mike. And second, we did not. We're serious", Simon assured. "Okay, then. That's good. I guess. But then who did tell Jeremy all that stuff? About me and the bad stuff I did", I asked. Mike shrugged his shoulders. "We'll get into that later. But for now, let's just talk about here we're gonna get your reputation back to normal", Simon suggested. Then the three huddled and discussed a plan.
In the corner of the room, Chelsea was chuckling maniacally. "With this, he'll never will the election! And I will win Jeremy Schlinger's heart! (sigh) He's so dreamy...", Chelsea sighed.
After Jeremy and that other girl's speeches were over, the candidates started to leave. As I was crossing the street, a bus came running out of nowhere - about to ram into me! "Waaah!", I yelled. "I'll save you, Mr. Munson!", a secret service agent yelled and left Obama to save me. "Hey! Where are you going!? I'm an open target!", Obama yelled. Suddenly, a crazed assassin jumped from the sky and shot rapidly at Obama! "Whoa! This shooter's wilin'!", Obama shouted and made a run for it. Meanwhile, the Agent put himself in front of me as the out-of-control crashed into us both! BAMM! Everything went black...
.... "...Ugh", I moaned. "Jack! You're awake! Thank goodness! I've got great news!", a voice cheered. "Eh?", I muttered. I opened my eyes. There was Simon, plain as day, with a big grin across his face. "Jack, you've done so much to help this campaign!", Simon said triumphantly. "How? I-I was unconscious...", I stammared. "Yes, exactly. And people all over the world are feeling remorse for you, and they think you're dead! Heh heh. You're on every newspaper in the States! Thousands of dollar are being sent to the "Jack Munson Association"! We have enough money to put this campaign over the top! Commercials, interviews, t-shirts with your face on them!", Simon cheered. "Wait, what?", I asked. "Not only have we saved your reputation, but we have money to blow!", Simon said. "Oh, that's great", I said monotonously. "Great? Great!? That's wonderful! This is the best day of my life! I could kiss you! Oh, heh, but I'll leave that to your First Lady", Simon advised.
"First Lady? Chelsea! Simon, how long have I been here?!", I frantically asked, holding him by the collar. "Hold on, Jack. Calm down. You've been here for almost a week. Donations have been poured in from around the country! We finally have enough money to finance the campaign! Heh heh heh! I see a successful future for you, pal!", Simon explained, quite happily. "I have to see what happened!", I yelled and jumped out of bed. My foot suddenly bent and I was sent falling the ground! "Ow! What's going on?", I asked. "Your legs aren't as great as they used to be after that accident. You'll need a wheelchair for awhile", Simon said, picking me up and depositing me on a wheelchair. "Let's go visit your adoring public, shall we?", Simon suggested. Just then, Mike BUSTED into the room and shut the door, his clothes ripped and his hair all afrizz! "What ever you do, don't go outside! Those paparazzi are cannibals!", he warned.
"Wow. Is it really that bad?", I asked. "Yeah. Ever since you won that election", Mike said. "I won? But... who got voted off?", I asked. "That Sarah chick. I mean really, she didn't do anything. It's just you and Schlinger who's been in the public eye and folks want to see more of you", Mike explained. "So the citizens of America care of watching a competition then decide what's best for their country?", I asked, quite disgusted. "Apparently so. Ah well, at least we're still in a race. We've got a chance to win this thing! And I'll be the Vice President! Hee-hah!", Mike cheered. Simon rolled me outside where a whole crowd of people surrounded me. "Jack!", they screamed. "We love you!", they shouted. Some folks jumped over the velvet rope that separated me from them and rushed at me! Suddenly, a group of guards surrounded me! I heard some bones cracking, then body thudding. "NO one touches the candidate!", a guard yelled. Wow, I get free protection? Awesome!
At home, Simon showed me the results on his computer. Schlinger leads above you by a few votes. I'm sure if we can just convince a few people, we've got this thing in the bag", he said, confidently. "So... er, what do we do now?", I asked. "Simple. Whatever a candidate does. Shoots commercials. Interviews with big-time talk show hosts. Speech after speech after speech", Simon explained. "That doesn't sound very fun", I said. "Nothing in life is truly fun", Simon said. "Playing shooting games are", I corrected. "Really, Jack? Really? Does playing a shooting game really fufill your life? Does it fill you with inner joy? Is it really the meaning of life?", he asked. "... Yeah, sure", I replied. "You amaze, Jack. You really do."
So, the first part of the campaign was to catch up onmy interviewing. Sure, I'd probably have to go on air with them again like a day or two before the actual election, but I'd just like to get these preliminary things done ahead of time. I'll give you excerpts of some of my interviews in script-form.
Oprah: And now, our special-special guest, Jack Munson!
I walk onto stage and sit down besides Oprah Winfrey.
Oprah: So, Mr. Munson, how are you doing?
Me: You can call me Jack.
Oprah: Okay then, Jack. But you didn't answer my question.
Me: What question?
Oprah: The question of how you're doing.
Me: How I'm doing? Why, I'm doing an interview with you of course.
Oprah: Heh heh. Aren't you a little kidder? But let's get serious here.
Me: Oh no! I'm too young for that kind of thing.
Oprah: Not that kind of serious, Mr. Munson.
Me: It's Jack.
Oprah: Fine, JACK!
Me: Ah, there we go.
Oprah: Ha... Anyways, you've gotten pretty far in this election. What makes you think that you'll be able to go farther?
Me: Are you doubting my ability to win? What's wrong with you?!
Oprah: No, no! I just mean that, some people think kids don't have what it takes. You made it through the first round because people felt sympathy for you, but what about the real thing?
Me: Hmm. You know what, I don't know. Maybe I can get by on my looks. (feels hair)
Oprah: Jack, this is important! The fate of America rests in your hands! You MUST have some practical plan!
Me: Looks are very practical plans, too. I say, if you weren't meant to use your good looks for something, you shouldn't have 'em at all.
Oprah: Grrr... You fail to understand, you ignorant piece of trash! This is TOO important and you treat it like a piece of dirt!
Me: Hey, you need to calm down. Yeesh, no wonder you're single.
Oprah: That's it! (pulls out double-barreled shotgun and shoots rapidly at everyone in the room!)
Everyone in the room runs about frantically while the deranged Oprah fires without stopping!
Larry: Tonight on Larry King Live: We're interviewing 12 year-old Jack Munson, who has achieved the impossible and is running for President.
Me: Hey there, Larry! How's the wife and kids?
Larry: They're fine. Now Jack, being President takes a lot of work and determination.
Me: Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say. Hey, you're Jewish, right?
Larry: Erm... yeah.
Me: You know, Rosh Hashanah is coming up soon. You gonna celebrate that?
Larry: Yes, yes I ---
Me: But what about the American New Year? Do you celebrate that?
Larry: Well, you see, I --
Me: And you're so OLD. I mean, what the heck. You have all the wrinkles and stuff. Plus, I can see with those skinny bones, your extra skin starts to look like fat.
Larry: Jack, this is an interview of you, not me. Now, can we please --?
Me: Aw, calm down, Larry, my man! We got an hour here, don't we?
Larry: No, I have other guests. You're restricted to 15 minutes.
Me: Oh REALLY? So the Future-President ain't enough for ya, eh? Ya gotsta have others? That's what I call greedy.
Larry: Listen, you're not shaping up to be the President with an attitude like that, boahy!
Me: Well that's up to America, not you, isn't it? And the people watching... What channel is this?
Me: CNN? You know, a friend of mine has a brother who watches CNN, like, all day.
Larry: Oh, really?
Me: Yeah, really. Hey Larry, have you ever thought of getting wrinkle cream?
Me: Yeah. Cause I just can't take you easy with all those wrinkles. They're like, majorly distracting, man. I can see why American wants young Presidents, because the other countries would think of us as a joke if we had an 80 year-old who could barely walk leading the country.
Larry: You know, what, Jack? Shut up. Okay? Just... shut up!
Me: What? I thought you wanted me here? It could get you views ya know. Normally, people wouldn't switch to a channel to hear an old guy blabber about unless there was someone cool next to him.
Larry: Guards, get this fool out of my face!
Guards walk onto screen and drag me off-screen.
Me: Remember, vote for me as Prez and my pal as Vice Prez! We ROCK!
The guards throw me out of the studio and unto a pile of trash, then shut the door.
The Old Coot
I enter a dark alley where a short, hairy man sits on top of a wooden box.
Me: Er, is this live?
Coot: Ah blee bak shee doop!
Me: Well... That's pretty weird.
Coot: Momma doo kee ba shoo be doo be dah!
Me: That's it, I'm outta here. Jack Munson is out, peace!
Coot: Ah kaa be shool be daa ma bee ca! Ya hear meh?! Ah kaa be shool BEEEEE!
One would think that such behavior would decline my popularity. Actually, no, what it did was just decrease the popularity of the hosts. Pretty weird, huh? Well it just shows that no one had respect for those guys in the first place.