Ever want to join something cool, but you never get around to do actually do it? Well, you should be thankful for that, for you never know what WILL happen to those who have joined that thing. As a matter of fact, this is a story about such a thing, except what's being joined isn't cool, it's just foolish. What's this thing? Well, it's... it's... Facebook!
Reader: No... No, please! No! Oh no, I want ta live! No! What are you doing?! Waaaaah!!!
Hey, hey, please! Calm down! Now listen, this story will explain it all. How Facebook came to be, what a threat it posted to the world, and how 4 friends went on a journey that changed their lives. 'Tis... The Dawn of the Faced Books!
This story is in no way affiliated with Facebook, or anything that has to do with said Facebook. The antaganist role it plays, and how the creators are bloodthirsty maniacs who seek to enslave the world are... well... just works of entertainment. It's not exactly meant to be offensive or anything, but just to entertain some folks. Ya got that? Oh, okay... Good. Just wanted to make sure you understand that is all.
'Twas February 4, 2004 in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Mark Zuckerberg, Chris Hughes, Dustin Moskovitz, Eduardo Saverin were alone in a dorm room. "Ah, so what do you want to do today, guys?", Mark asked. "I dunno. How about we go hit on some girls?", Chris asked. "What? You... you BEAST!", Dustin shouted. "Eh, shut up ya fat piece of trash!", Eduardo shouted. Dustin swung ferociously at Eduardo! Eduardo ducked and smacked Dustin across the face! Dustin flew back and crashed into a TV, which burst into flames! "Whoa!", Chris shouted, "This is complete pandamonium!" Suddenly, a dean burst into the room! "What's going --? Tsuaaaah!", the dean shouted as the flames engulfed him!
The four friends burst into laughted! "Ah, it's so awesome to see people die and whatnot. Torture and pain. Hey... that gives me an idea!", Mark said boldly. "What?", the other three asked. "Let's build a social networking site that gains popularity and praise throughout the years, and when we get 500 million users... heh heh... we'll take control of them and rule the world! Mwah ha ha!", Mark cackled maniacally! "What'll it be called?", the other three asked. "Well, it must be something that no one will suspect...", Mark said. Dustin was glancing at a book, with a drawing of a face on the cover. "Hey look at this: a faced book", he said. "That's it!", Mark shouted in triumph, "We'll call it... Facebook..."
And since that faithful moment, Facebook has been the world's most popular social networking site, housing old citizens on their deathbeds, to kindergartners finding their way around the rule that users have to be 13 years or older. But all these users (499,999,999 to be exact) did not know they were 1 person away from the brink of destruction...
J. Severe jumped in the air and slashed ferociously at the dragon as its blood gushed profusely and large puddles of it fell on the floor! "Whoa!", Random Kid shouted as he made a hasty run! The dragon swiped ferociously at Random! The nails slashed Random as he fell on the ground in pain! "Tsuuyyaaaah!", he shouted in pain. J. Severe turned around, only to see Random completely vulnerable to the dragon's attacks! J. sauntered forth to save his best friend! The dragon blew fire at Random! J. pushed Random out of the way as the flames engulfed him!
Random Kid landed on the rough ground as J. Severe was incinerated by the flames! "J.! Noooo!", Random yelled. Smoke covered the field as Random Kid ventured to save his best friend! Coughing profusely, Random knelt down beside J. to pick him up. But - FWOOOOOO! The dragon blew fire once more! Random Kid dodged the oncoming flames! The dragon picked up its foot and sought forth to stomp Random and J. to oblivion! J. Severe opened his eyes and saw both the dragon's gigantic foot - and the sword. J. grabbed the sword and held it up. The dragon's foot pierced into the blade!
"Raaaaahhh!", the dragon yelled as pools of its blood splashed out! J. and Random ran as the blood flowed, nearly drowning them! The dragon fell backwards and landed with a loud CRASH! Such a "CRASH!" caused an earthquake! Suddenly, the land started to split in two! J. Severe tried to run, but he fell down, still in massive pain. Random Kid picked him up and, holding J. in his arms, sprinted! The two were on the left side, which was the side that had separated from the rest of the right side and was about to fall into the chasms below! It was TOO intense!
Random jumped off as the foundation fell down into the darkness below! Random Kid tossed J. into the air! As J. safely landed, Random's hand held onto the edge of the cliff! His hand started to slip! Finally, Random's hand slipped and he started to fall down! J.'s hand emerged from above and grabbed Random's arm! J. Severe hoisted him up! "*pant pant* Thanks, J.! Now we gotta get back!", Random suggested. "Yeah! Let's go!", J. said as he barely stood up. Random Kid ran (J. limped) back to civilization.
J. Severe and Random Kid entered the city only to be met by a crowd of a million people who were cheered quite loudly. "Thank you! Thank you! Really, it's nothing! We beat up mythological creatures everyday!", J. shouted. "Yeah! And we have websites, too! Check out the Stories and Info Wiki & the Joel Severe Wiki, today!", Random advertised. After a few minutes of deaffening applause, the crowd quieted down. 'Twas than that two limos drove up and stopped beside the two heroes.
"Ooh, a limo! Some cool, popular, rich guy must be here to congratulate us!", J. said. "Yeah, and perhaps shower us with gifts! Heh heh", Random chuckled. However, 'twas not a rewarder that exited the limos, but 'twas... J. Severe's Mom and Random Kid's Dad! "What the --?!", the two shouted at the sight of their parent. "J. Severe, what the heck are you doing?!", J.'s Mom screeched. "Boy, you could've gotten yourself KILLED!", Random's Dad shouted. "Well Dad, I nearly get myself killed everyday. It's no big deal", Random replied. "Yeah, besides, it's Summer! Kids are invincible during Summer!", J. replied.
"Yes, but guess what?", Mom asked. "Your days of recklessness and heroics are done! For tomorrow is ---!", Random's Dad started. "-- the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!", the two parents shouted with smirks on their faces. J.'s and Random's eyes widened as they backed up in fear. "What? No... No, please! No... Oh no, I want to live! No... What are you doing?! Aaaaaahhhh....", the boys yelled in terror. "Yes, 'tis right! No more of this foolishness! No more saving the world! You're back to your studies and whatnot!", J.'s Mom shouted. "Yes! And best of all: no more editing on your stupid wikis until the weekend!", Random's Dad added. The two boys, terrified beyond their wildest dreams, made a run for it! J.'s Mom tackled J. Severe to the ground, and Random's Dad put Random Kid in a headlock and punched him down! Our heroes were dragged into their respective limos and driven away, never to be seen again...
J. Severe entered his house, a hard reality had hit him. He was not just a hero and valiant story writer, but he was also just a poor boy trying to find his place in the world. And so thus, he had to go through everything a normal boy had to. J. passed his brother, who was on the computer. "Hey there, bro", J. greeted. "What up, J.? Look at this, I'm about launch my account on Facebook", Bro announced. "What? No, that site consists of utmost foolishness! Don't you dare sign up, you'll regret it boahy!!", J. shouted. "I'm about to press the button...", Bro muttered, about to click on the mouse. "Nooo!", J. shouted and sauntered forth at Bro! J. knocked him out of the chair! The two crashed through the window and fell down!
As they were falling through the air, J. swung at Bro with his fist! Bro grabbed J.'s arm and twisted it! "Waaaaahhh!", J. shouted in pain. Bro kicked J. to the ground! The poor boy hit the dirt, writhing in pain. Bro reentered the house, climbed up the stairs, and sat down in front of the computer once more! He left-clicked the mouse, thus launching the account. And thus, Facebook's 500 millionth user was born.
Meanwhile, back at Facebook Inc. headquarters, Mark Zuckerberg was in his office, counting his large stacks of money. "Ha ha ha! Oh, I love being evil and rich!", he laughed maniacally. Suddenly, a ringing noise sounded from his computer. "Huh?", Mark muttered and glanced at the screen. A new message popped up, signifying that Facebook had yet another user... the 500 millionth user! "Oh... heh heh! Yes! Finally!", Mark chuckled as he called up his comrads. Once all four were on the line, Mark muttered in a deep, crackling voice, "It's time..."
TO BE CONTINUED!... in the next chapter, of course.