For Random Girl's Twilight-related story, see The "Eclipse" Adventure!
J. Severe: Ashley, what's this?
Ashley: What does it look like? It's a story.
J. Severe: Yes, but look at the title.
Ashley: What about it?
J. Severe: It says "To Love a Vampire."
J. Severe: Considering your love for Twilight, I'd say that this is no more than a rip-off of said book.
Ashley: Shut up.
Random Kid: Hey, he's just telling the truth.
Ashley: (slaps Random Kid)
Random Kid: Ow! Hey, I just say one thing and I get slapped. He says a million things and he doesn't get a single ---
Ashley: (slaps J. Severe) Happy?
Random Kid: Yes, yes I am.
J. Severe: How dare you persuade her to slap me! (punches Random Kid)
Random Kid: Don't punch me, you bum! (kicks J. Severe)
J. Severe & Random Kid: (start attacking each other)
Ashley: Let's ignore them and get on with the story, eh?
I Meet HimEdit
It was a bright sunny day in Spoons.
J. Severe: (while holding Random Kid down) Spoons?!
Ashley: Well, the place in Twilight is called Forks, right? So I decided to name this place Spoons.
J. Severe: If there wasn't Freedom of the Press, I would so delete this story right now.
I got up, and got undressed. I took off my clothes and unzipped my --
Random Kid: This is a family-friendly wiki!
Ashley: Oh yeah...
So I got undressed, and took a shower. The soft, smooth water melted against my skin, relaxing me.
Random Kid: (whispers to J. Severe) She's read those books so much she's adopted Stephanie Meyers' method of description.
Ashley: Shut up!
When I was decent, I went downstairs and greeted my dad. "Hey Dad!", I greeted. "How you doing, darling?", Dad asked. "Just peachy keen!", I replied. It was a nice day outside and it reflected my mood. I was in one of my "happy day trances" when Dad called, "Bye, Ashley!" Huh? Oh, I had forgotten that Dad was a police officer and had to leave early to be on the job. Gosh forbid a man gets shot down while Dad's at home eating some pancakes.
I waved good-bye and got down to business. I poured myself a bowl of cereal, which I ate in moderation. After I was done, I washed my plate and went into the living room. I put the bookbag on my back, leaving behind my coat that was not needed on this warm Spring day. I went outside into my car ---
J. Severe: Hey, aren't you too young to drive a car?
Random Kid: I thought she was too old.
Ashley: Well, Bella drives a car in the book so I'll drive a car in this story.
I went outside into my car and started it. It was kind of an old truck, but I liked to just the same. Soon enough, I found myself at school. I walked inside only to see my friend, Matt. "Hey there, Ash! How's it going Ash!? How was your weekend Ash!?", Matt asked. "Hey there too Matt! It's going great Matt! My weekend was fantastic Matt!", I replied. We were both giddy at the bright day before us and it showed.
The bell rang. "Oh look Ash! It's time for class Ash! See you later Ash! Hope you have a great day Ash! Peace out Ash! Smell you later Ash! Taste you later Ash! Am I bothering you Ash?!", Matt called. "Yes I do see it Matt! And I see that it is time for class Matt! I will also be seeing you later Matt! I do hope your day is grand Matt! Peace to you too Matt! I will smell you later Matt! You taste delicious Matt! No you are not bothering me Matt!", I called back.
J. Severe: You taste him?!
Ashley: Actually --
J. Severe: Wait, I'm still getting over my initial shock. You TASTE him?!
Ashley: I'm telling you, I ---
J. Severe: You literally put your tongue on him and TASTE him?!
Ashley: I said --
J. Severe: And what's more - he's delicious?! Do you know what kind of message you're sitting for kids out there?! That's it's okay to put your tongue on someone and lick them until you ---
Ashley: IT'S JUST A FIGURE OF SPEECH!
J. Severe: Oh. But still! You ---
So we went our separate ways. It was a normal school day... until lunch! There, I saw down with Jessie and Hallie. I guess I was supposed to listen to their gossip, but I was too smitten with love. Sitting at the table next to us was the most BEAUTIFUL guy I had ever seen! His body sparkled like he was an angel and he looked like something Robert Pattinson would drag in. I sighed as drool leaked from my half-opened mouth.
"Ash, are you okay?", Jessie asked. "Smork smerf boogle porkchop", I muttered, completely dazed by this guy's greatness. "Are you mentally ill?", she asked. "Snorkle back flower boof", I replied. Then I felt a sharp blow in the stomach! I snapped back to reality. "What the --?" "What's wrong?", Jessie asked. "Oh, I was just gazing at that guy", I said, pointing to the angel. "Oh him? That's Edmund Bullin", she explained. "Edmund Bullin: a name from heaven", I muttered. "Don't tell me you like him!", Jessica responded. "I'm afraid so. He's just amazing in every which way. I bet even if he was covered in mud I'd go head-over-heels for him", I admitted.
Matt heard this nearby. He had liked me recently, though I was oblivious to it at the time. He spit out his food in disgust. "Gee Ash, I've liked my share of boys but not like that. I'll leave you to stare at him", she said and turned around to continue chatting. I just stared at him, unaware that everyone else at the table had left. I just stupidly gazed at Edmund. I noticed he didn't touch his food - not once. He got up to throw away his untouched food when our eyes met.
When he saw me, a huge flame appeared in his eyes. His mouth formed an angry look. His hands formed a tight fist! He was drooling from the mouth. His eyes were spinning. I thought the guy was having a seizure! Then, he got ran out of the room so fast I couldn't even see him. All I could do was faint on the floor, thinking about him. Unbeknownst to me, Edmund was in the hallway, clutching a hand over his heart and gritting his teeth, as if trying to hold back some sort of urge.
We Talk in BiologyEdit
When I was conscious, it was time for Biology class. I walked to the room and saw a very surprising sight! It was Edmund... sitting down at a table with an empty chair next to him. Without hesitation, I took the seat. I turned to Edmund and put a smile on my face. Still, I was striken with weakness at the sight of his holiness. When Edmund looked at me, he growled ferociously under his breath. I wasn't sure what the heck was wrong with him, but I guess he was just shy.
"Hi, I'm Ashley", I greeted. He roared quietly. "Are you Edmund Bullin?", I asked him, though I knew it was. Then I heard him talk those faithful words that sounded like God: "How'd you know that?!" I was a bit shaken at that. "I, uh, heard. Is there something wrong?", I asked. Edmund opened his mouth to say something, but he closed. "Shut up", he muttered. "Well, excuse me!", I retorted. This guy had just told me to shut up. Apparently, he doesn't know manners.
"Listen, it doesn't concern you", he said. "Well maybe it doesn't. But when you tell ME to shut up, that's crossing the line!", I replied. "You know what? Just leave me alone. Go.. over there or something and leave me alone", Edmund commanded. "I won't move a spot until you apologize" I resisted. He put his face right next to mine. I held back the urge to kiss him on his perfect lips. "Go... NOW!", he yelled. "Shut up", I said with a smirk, copying what he said.
Well, Edmund tackled me to the ground he did! He opened his mouth, showing two huge fangs, and had his eyes glaring at my neck! I screamed in horror! The rest of the class turned around to see what was going on!
J. Severe: This is getting interesting.
Random Kid: Yes, this story may not be as bad as we thought.
Ashley: Well, this is based on Twilight and I told you it was awesome!
J. Severe: I said it was interesting, I never said I was convinced.
The teacher was not there yet, and I'm sure none of the kids would squeal about this situation. Just when it seemed that Edmund was about to sink his teeth into some messy business, he turned back into normal and sat politely on his chair.
Random Kid: Darn, I was hoping he would suck your blood.
Ashley: (slaps Random Kid)
Random Kid: Ow!
I sat beside him again, though I had some regrets. "Sorry about that", he whispered, "It's just... never mind." "Never mind what?", I asked. He didn't answer. "What?", I asked again. He closed his teeth and tightened his fist. This time I went in his ear and whispered "What?" I could see a drop of drool fall from his mouth onto his lap. The drool was red. Edmund quickly wiped the drool off so fast I could hardly see.
"Stop that", he said. "Why? Am I bothering you?", I asked. "In a way, yes", he answered. "Gee, I'm sorry. I just asked a question. If that gives you problems, you should see a therapist", I said. "It's not that. It's your smell", he said. "My smell?", I asked, wondering if I had heard that. "Dell! I mean Dell! The computer company. I hate Dell very much. You have a Dell computer, don't you?", Edmund quickly saved. "Uh... yes", I answered, unaware of how he knew that. "Yep, that's it. Just can't stand folks with Dell computers. I'll go sit over there", Edmund said quickly and walked as far away from me as possible. How peculiar.
J. Severe: Huh. That's nice.
J. Severe: That the guy stays far away from her. That means there's no romance.
Ashley: Oh believe me, there'll be LOTS of romance.
J. Severe & Random Kid: No!!!!!!!!
When class was over, I encountered Ed in the hallway. "Okay, what's the big deal?", I asked angrily. It was hard to look mad when staring into his overly-beautiful face. Scratch that, beautiful can't even BEGIN to describe his perfectality. "What big deal?", Ed asked, as if he had forgotten what just happened. "Are you stupid?! You nearly killed me is what happened!", I yelled. "Oh... I did that!? I didn't know! Well, best be on my way", Ed said quickly and tried to run.
"Stop!", I yelled. "I don't have to listen to you!", he shouted. I jumped back in alarm. His eyes were on fire. Literally, his pupils were traded for a little campfire in his eye. "I am NOT the kind of person you want to get angry!", Ed yelled and disappeared. I stood there with my mouth open. Jessie walked by and closed it for me.
J. Severe: Ya got served!
Ashley: Shut up!
Random Kid: But you did...
Ashley: (slaps Random Kid)
Random Kid: Ow! What the h ---!
I didn't see him for the rest of the day. Finally, I gave up and just went to my car. As I was about to open the door, I heard a "SCREECH!" and various shrieks. I turned around. I saw Ed and his family parked by their car across the lot. I also saw a crazed man lurching forth his truck to crush me! Lastly, I saw the student body yelling at me to "run!" and whatnot. The following events came too fast. I tried to analyze them and list them as well as I could. Take a glance why don't 'cha.
- I felt a sharp blow on my chest.
- I flew back as the truck crashed into my car.
- The driver of the truck came crashing through the windshield!
- I hit the concrete with a loud "BLOW!"
- I felt some sort of liquid emitting from my head.
- Ed was in front of the truck, holding it back with his bare hands.
Yes, I know this sounds ludicrous, but it's exactly like I remembered it. After the dust cleared, I felt myself lifted up, probably on a stretcher. As I was being loaded into an ambulance, I could only see two things. Actually, I saw the whole scene, but those two were the only things I paid attention to in the split second I was unconscious. The thing was that Dad was outside, rushing through the crowd, screaming my name. The second thing, preferably more important than the first, was that Ed was in the back of the crowd with a smirk on his face.
J. Severe: Served!
Random Kid: J., you can stop that ---
Ashley: (slaps Random Kid)
Random Kid: Ow! Why'd you do that; I tried to help you!
Ashley: (shrugs shoulders) I dunno. It's just so fun to slap you.
At the HospitalEdit
I was overrun with anger that Ed had abandonned me in my time of need. Had that guy no heart? It's like he specifically... Phooey. I just decided to stop thinking about him. But I couldn't. Not only was he too dang handsome, but the thing I had seen him do. That was Event #6 from the previous chapter: him stopping the truck with his bare hands. That was impossible. Unless he was some sort of superhuman. I thought of the next time I would ask him this... and how he would yell at me.
Once the nurse left me alone in my own room, guess who showed up. Mister Stop-The-Truck-With-His-Hands. Mister Laugh-When-I-Got-The-Concussion. Mister Yell-At-Me-When-I-Want-To-Have-A-Mature-Conversation-With-Him. Mister... Somethin'-Somethin'. "Hey there", he said with a soothing voice, "How are you feeling?" Well... I had nothing to say. He had... Do you see this?! No you can't see. Can you read this?! Coming from the guy who had just yelled at me half-an-hour ago was now next to me in bed, alone in a room, with no security cameras...
The point is, what was with the sudden mood change, and so forth? I wanted to talk some sense in the guy, but I couldn't, or risk messing up this perfect moment I had dreamt about for 5 hours. "Eh, pretty good, I guess", I said. He chuckled. I loved the sound of his chuckle. It was... perfect like the rest of him. "So, getting a head injury makes you feel pretty good?", he asked with a sly smile. "I was just kidding. Who would feel happy nearly dying?", I replied. I laughed, until I realized he wasn't. He had a determined look on his face, as if he were giving something I couldn't see a dirty look. I moderately stopped laughing until it became a giggle. I waited for him to snap back to reality before saying anything.
Thankfully, he came to in about a minuite. "Are you okay?", I asked, a bit worried. "Oh, uh... don't mind your pretty little head that", he said soothingly. I couldn't help but blushing. Suddenly, we both heard footsteps coming towards the room. "Uh-oh! Gotta go!", Ed said quickly and vanished in a poof.
"No! Don't go!", I yelled. By the time I had finished my plea, the nurse had entered and was looking at me like I was a mental patient. "Who are you talking to?", she asked. "Um... no one", I lied. "Oh... kay...", the nurse replied, a little creeped out. "Now I have to give you a shot!" "What? No! I want to live! No guns!", I begged. "Not a shot from a gun - a needle shot", the nurse corrected, holding up a tiny needle. "Oh", I replied, releaved. The nurse gave me a painless shot on the arm. "That'll put you to sleep so the doctors can stitch together your broken head", the nurse explained. "What?!!!", I shouted in fear. "Oh, I'm just messin' with ya. We're just gonna bandage you and send you back on your way", the nurse joked. "Oh", I said, releaved and kind of annoyed. When the nurse disappeared, Edmund appeared at my side again.
"Hey there, beautiful", he said. I couldn't help but sigh gladly as I stared into his beautiful eyes. Soon, I found my eyes slowly closing and... zzzzz... "Ashley! Ashley! Ashley, wake up!", Ed shouted in distress. I quickly opened my eyes and was surprised to see Ed with a worried look on his face. "Oh, thank goodness! You're alive! I thought you were dying!", Ed explained. "Nah, the nurse just gave me somethin' to put me to sleep is all", I said. I was actually amazed that he was worried that I was dead. For a second there, I thought he loved me too... But then, I remembered the whole reason I was even in the hospital! "Why would you care?", I asked, angrily. "Wha ---?! 'Cuz I care about you, of course", Ed said. "Then why were you chuckling when I was being pulled into the ambulance!?", I asked, confronting my true love.
Suddenly, Ed's eyebrows lifted. He looked at me sideways and asked in a determined voice, "What are you talking about?" I could see we were getting serious here. "You were laughing! Like you wanted me to be hurt!", I said, a bit hurtfully to him. "Oh yeah?", he asked. He seemed a bit playful, but I could see the deep, heart-cutting suspense in his eyes. "Yeah! And most peculiar of all, you stopped that truck with your bare hands!", I announced, triumphantly. Ed suddenly backed up in fear. "Wha... where did you...?", he asked, not knowing what to say. "Can you explain that, Mr. Bullin?!", I asked, now sitting up in my bed, anger overshadowing my love for him. I could see that he was trying to think his way out of this situation. I could also see that he was having no luck with that. Unfortunately, he had formulated a plan that I could not overcome.
Ed edged closer to my bed. "Shush, my beautiful blossom", he said in yet another soothing voice. I was confused at this. I had... Ed bent over to my head and breathed on my neck. I completely froze! What was this guy doing? I wanted so much to curse him out right now, but my heart had other plans. Ed puckered up his lips and closed his eyes. "Eeeek!", I thought. This was the perfect moment! The time I had wished for all day long! This was it... I closed my eyes and puckered my lips. I edged towards him to lock mine with his, when I heard the door open! We both opened our eyes to see my Dad, with a twisted look on his face! "What the ---?!!!", he yelled so loudly that I'm sure the entire hospital could hear him! The lights turned off out of nowhere. Dad went to turn them on, and when he did, Ed was no longer about to smother me with kisses. As a matter of fact, all trace of Edmund had completely vanished from the room.
Dad stood there, completely confused. I think I'll analyze what he thought:
- One second, he had seen some random guy about to kiss his daughter who was lying in a bed.
- The next second, the guy had COMPLETELY vanished and the daughter seemed to be looking at him intently.
"Dad, are you okay?", I asked. "Wha...? What happened to that guy?", Dad asked. "What guy?", I asked, acting as if I had no idea what he was talking about. "There was guy. A-a boy. He was about to kiss you!", Dad tried to explain. "Dad, there was no boy about to kiss me. There's just me, this bed, and a couple of chairs over there", I lied. Dad stood there in a minute and tried to process this all in his head. "Heh, you're right. I'm probably just going bonkers", Dad said, and pulled a chair over to sit by me. Whew. I had just dodged a great bullet there.
"Ashley, I was really worried about you. I thought you were --", Dad started. "--dead. I know", I finished for him. "Yeah. I mean, when your mother put you in my care, I swore to her that I wouldn't let anything happen to you. And today, I thought that I had... broken that promise...", Dad explained, his voice cracking up. "Don't worry, Dad. I just have a cut on my head. All they need to do is plug it up and I'm a-okay", I said, trying to cheer him up. It seemed to work. "That's good news", he said, "Now, Ashley. Do you know any boys with ---?"
Just then, a bunch of doctors burst into the room. "Sir, we need to operate on your daughter. Please leave", a doctor said. "I can't stay?", Dad asked. "No. And if you refuse to live, we had the right to use these surgery tools to --" zzzzzzzz.... The needle shot kicked in at that point. I knew what Dad was about to describe though. He was gonna describe Ed, the "boy" he'd seen, and I would have to tell him, and Dad would throw a huge fiasco. Never in my life, would I have ever thought I'd be happier to be doctors about to crack open my head...
J. Severe: Why'd you have to fall asleep? I'd have liked to see what those doctors did to your father.
Random Kid: Yeah. Did they threaten to cut him open?
Ashley: No! He turned out fine, and he obeyed the doctor's orders.
Random Kid: Darn, it would have been fun to see them kill him.
Ashley: (slaps Random Kid)
Random Kid: (rubs bruise) Never mind...
The Camp-Out (and I Meet Jake White)Edit
The few days after that, Edmund didn't come to school. Why? I don't know.
J. Severe: Was it because he saw your face?
Ashley: (slaps J. Severe)
Random Kid: Yes! Finally, you slap him!
Ashley: Don't think you're off the hook yet! (slaps Random Kid)
J. Severe: That's what you get!
Random Kid: Shut it, boahy! (swipes at J. Severe)
J. Severe: (dodges swipe) Whoa! Yer gonna get it! (tackles Random Kid to the ground)
Ashley: As I was saying...
Then came the night that I was to go out on a camping trip with